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Old 12-29-2013, 09:32 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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To decide to grow some emotional courage and become firm of purpose rather than flibbly wibbly and just wibbling along? That is only something YOU can choose for yourself. Life is not a dress rehearsal. You only get the one.

This may be hard to hear. But I mean this kindly ok?
  • But if you want to start playing like Star Wars Jedi with some kind of personal code of conduct you make for you, choose to start to play like Jedi. Just do it. Even if it feels ugh at first. Grow better at your disclosure and honesty skills. Expect things from yourself.
  • If you want to carry on with all kinds of Muppet show shenanigans? Well,choose to carry on then. But don't be surprised there's flying chickens and thrown fish and shenanigans backstage.

So... choose your next choice.

You have been making a mess of your relationships. You have now learned that (what you choose to do) AND (what you choose to not do) can ripple across your whole polymath / family math network. Here you often chose to not be honest and up front. It did not seem to serve you well since it led to a domino effect of new problems.

Honestly? In your shoes? I'd let Beth and Mark go.

Bottom line?

At this point in time you want to come clean and start living your life in more authentic, honest ways. (I am going to assume positive intent on your part, and not like you are trying to make Mark's life hell just because you suffer jealousy that he is the husband now for Beth and not you in that position.)

Beth is not on board for honesty. So even if it hurts? End it with her. You are correct. A polyship founded on lies of omission and hidden affairs is not as healthy as it could be and is not starting out on strong foundations.

You could stop cheating with her and just end it. Could stop eroding your mental, emotional and spiritual health by continuing to participate in a cheating affair that continues lies.
  • End it with Beth. You could tell Mark WHY you are ending it.
  • End it with Beth. You could tell him you are ending it. And end it without explaining why.

The ending of it is what helps YOU get back on the healthier path. If you do not have the internal resources at this time to worry about all players' healths? Get just YOU out then so YOU can be in a healthier place in time. Staying here is not healthy for YOU. Worry about YOUR health. Strike out on your own and be ok doing that.

Stop allowing yourself to be distracted with the new (your feelings for Beth). Focus on tending to your own needs.
  • You were feeling trapped in your marriage. Solution -- articulate and work to change the marriage/end the marriage.
  • You have isolated self from most of your community. Solution -- Articulate and start engaging with your community in appropriate ways.
  • You didn't have any support. Solution -- Articulate and keep working with your counselor and start making more friends you can lean on in times of trouble. Let them lean on you when it is their time of trouble.
  • You were struggling with living/being alone. Solution -- learn to be ok on your own, on your own two feet. Maybe having married at 22 years old you never learned this. Now is opportunity.
  • Your GF wants to continue the cheating affair and keep Mark in the dark. You don't seem happy being the affair man. Solution: She could stop being your GF because you choose to break up with her. You do not CONTINUE being the affair man and pile NEW crap on the timeline.
  • You seem unhappy about past choices on the timeline-- Making apology and asking for forgiveness for crap that already happened could be treated separately. Solution: Stop ADDING new crap on. Break up with Beth and Mark. Give yourself time to heal. Work with counselor. Then decide what you want to do about shoveling OLD crap. Don't kid yourself that you want to get back with Beth. But you could apologize to all for your part in the shenanigans when you are ready to own it.

If you want to polyship in future, you could work on making your needs known up front and honestly from the start.Could learn to get over your fearfulness of disclosure. Because that is an important interpersonal skill.

Had you told wife you wanted to polyship at the start, even if it led to breaking up because she does not want to polyship? It could have been dealt with before hand CLEANLY, with all parties being respectful and respected. Including you. Not all this stuff in a crazy pile up.

In choosing to serve "fear" and "my own comfort level" rather than a higher value like "respect me and respect others by being honest in my communication" even if it moved you outside your comfort zone... you ended up choosing less than self-respecting toward yourself and less respectful behavior toward others. You have reaped all kinds of shenanigans and heartache as a result. Choosing the lower value did not seem serve you well.

Could try to choose your higher value next time even if it feels uncomfortable or scary. Growth happens at the edges of the comfort zone.

And here is new opportunity to choose anew! A new day!

So... Jedi or Muppet kind of day? Your day. You get to choose.

Choose well. Then play ball. See how it serves you. Hopefully it serves you better.

GL!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-29-2013 at 11:01 PM.
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