So back on the 15th, I think it was, I drove over an hour away to have a date with TS. Great time at dinner, definite attraction, we go back to his place, have some drink, lots of talking, protected sex and about an hour later, the dude gets shitfaced and pukes.
I couldn't stay. A child's throw up is so different than an adult you just met. I made sure he was in a position to not choke on it. Gawd that was awful. I decided I might give him a second chance if he contacts me. He does and says he wants to see me again. The next day he meditates and has an epiphany that I'm an adulteress.
Apparently I just have bad luck on thinking I'm weeding out the bad ones. I seriously need to start getting more in touch with my intuition more than any thing and if it says "cancel and run", I friggin' need to cancel and run.
Let's just say this bad date didn't help me any on feeling compersion when I got home and MG was there. DH wanted me to sleep in bed with them but I am so not ready for that. I had a really hard time when I woke on the couch the next morning. I need to back track though because as I read in some threads, "jealousy/envy" can be triggered not by that feeling truly but by other events.
Those events were:
-10 days prior had a partial thyroid lobetcomy
-this was on sunday morning and on friday, our van's motor went out. told it'd be about $2500 at the least to put in an engine with 155,000 on it...just was very very overwhelmed with this financial stress.
-the following that I state is not to make DH out to be a bad guy, it's just what NRE AND BEING IN LOVE does
so this saturday night when DH had MG over was their 4th date from that sun to sat AND I HAD HUGE ISSUES WITH IT
Envy - well I have huge amounts of it and it is not jealousy. MG is awesome and I could never ask for another metamour. I do have issue with taking advantage (this was MG's own words) of my inability to say NO. I caused it by not voicing how it was affecting me until it was too late. Another lesson learned about myself...I can't just say "ok" because I don't want to come off as not fair. If I'm feeling I need DH on my days I need to frickin' say so.
Envy - I felt it was not right to go out on a date with MG when I was on a date. Our "boundary/rule" was 2 overnights for each of us (so a parent is always home - we can't always make the teen be the babysitter unless it's for DH AND I to have a date). But when he asked if I was going to be home, I didn't know what would happen with TS. I SHOULD HAVE SAID "NO" but again, that silent part in my brain was like, well if you say NO you're not being fair.
Outcome: as of now the 2 overnights are set in stone. No extra visits during the week for a few months so I have time to adjust to this new life style, this change in my own personal life. I have stated I am willing to renegotiate in two months.
Outcome: Unplanned/surprise visit are a NO until Jan 10th. Actually it would be a further out date but since I will be out of town in Oregon ML King weekend and that DH and MG already have plans of her staying with him the entire weekend is why I have that date. When I return, we will need to discuss and renegotiate how I feel about impromptu visits. At this moment, I don't think I'm okay with them.
It's taken me some time to start feeling normal again. That normal where I was with compersion before surgery. I didn't even have envy then. It really sucks. Funny about that week that ended on the 15th and the new one that began on the 16th, not only have my normal hormones changed from the surgery, my period started and the financial stress. I feel and know now that if I only had to deal with one change, the surgery, I would have handled the morning of the 16th much better. I'm not making excuses for loosing my shit. Those things did affect my coping abilities.
What's been happening since that weekend ended. We got a new vehicle. So a big stress has disappeared. The period ended...starting to feel more like me. That Monday is DH and MG's overnight. And to state how awesome MG is, she loaned us a beater vehicle to get through the weekend (I had a rental for the date) until we bought something. Their Friday had to be cancelled due to my work's Christmas Party.
That was fun. Didn't really get to chat much with co-workers due to how the restaurant had the catered event layed out. Seriously...put us in the bar and not have the tables next to each other. It snowed like a hurricane so travels were slow but still a fun night.
Due to Christmas DH and MG rescheduled their Monday night to Sunday. Monday DH and I went out and bought Christmas presents for the kids and had our first date in over two months. There that's were he and I have slipped in our relationship. We must maintain having a date night once a week for ourselves. With the schedules we agreed to: Sun both home, Mon his night, Tues to Thur he's home so I need to pick a night that is mine (my night that I would go out whether on a date or by myself = but what sucks is the teen has soccer until 6 pm so I don't really get "my time") so that is what I have to work on...getting a night to myself and logically I think Wed night would work best, Fri is dh's night, Sat is my night and the cycle repeats.
I've discussed with SG about rescheduling when any one is not able to do their night. I don't know if not being flexible is being lame but maybe it's because of where I got that week of the 9th through 16th I really feel if you have to cancel, make ups don't happen. It's not just DH and MG who has to "reschedule" but SG, SG's girlfriend, and me. But then again I see the logic of where that isn't "fair" but maybe it's on hold until mid-February. I still haven't discussed this yet. I may never as again, I'm not trying to control, I'm just trying to gain my own independence in this relationship. At times I feel like it's not ok that I try to meet another. Seems weird since DH is definitely poly now. I believe he truly went on this journey to please me and now he has another and does not want to go back. The funny thing is I've never asked him to go back. I don't want to be mono. So I've had some bad luck. I'll get over it and move on. Yet this is why it's important for me to actually go out on my own, alone on my "days". The okc world is nothing but a headache and waste of my time. I can't meet anyone by going out with DH nor by staying at home. Now it's just a matter of setting that into motion.
So Tues Christmas Eve DH and I went out for a shot and a drink since my birthday is Christmas. Came home, let kiddos open their one present on Christmas Eve, got them to sleep, put out Santa presents and at 4 am, the youngest gave her momma a puke present. Yep...all over me. By 5:30 that night I came down with the flu and three hours later DH was sick too.
Thursday night went to the ER due to a rash all over my body. If I hadn't had the surgery I wouldn't have been so worried but I didn't want to risk anything in case it wasn't just a case of the hives. DH had to cancel Friday night with MG. Yesterday I got out, albeit a bit light headed and what not, but by evening I was feeling back to being healthy with just a cough. DH isn't any better today. It seems it stays with some longer than others.
So this week is New Year's Eve. I've already requested of DH that if SG and MG invite us to go out with them some where that we decline. I'm all about feeling compersion for DH and MG but when DH is my date I'm not in a state to feel compersion if they decide to sneak off for a kiss or whatever. And to avoid me not handling that well, it's just best to avoid the situation all together. Like I said...I am not quite back to the pre-surgery me. I will get there but I need time and it has to go at my pace, not the pace of the NRE folks. At least I've recognized this in me and am honest about it. I really believe I just have to be honest with how I feel and speak it rather than keep it in and think I can internalize it and it'll just be okay.
Well that's where I've been. I'm praying/hoping DH gets over this awful bug and gets back to normal.
I hope everyone has a Happy New Year and drinks smart!!