Need to vent
It's been a while since I've been here. Mostly because. I am not poly anymore. What am I? HEART BROKEN! Hurt, sad, pissed, and most all lost. I cannot believe in poly anymore. After a 10 year marriage poly has broken us apart. How can he do this to me? He told me that he would never leave me for her. I believed and trusted him. How could I be so stupid to believe poly would work? How can I believe that everything would be ok? How could I let this happen?
Now granted we were having some issues before but I thought we were doing alot better. Guess I was stupid enough to believe we were ok. Even though he wasn't the nicest to me, I still loved him so much that I didn't care. Not just for me but for our kids.
Now that we are no longer together I moved across the country with my kids. He agreed with it because he knew it would be best for me and the kids to be with my family. I have nothing in az. The only reason I was there was for him. I have no family. So we knew that moving was best. But was it? Part of me says it was because I can't stand to be near them. It makes me sick to my stomach. I just want to punch them, or I just want to lay down and cry. But I don't know how right it was because I took my children 2000 miles away from their dad.
The kids are doing pretty well. They are in school and doing really good. They have friends. Seeing all their aunts uncles and cousins. They are happy. Most of the time. Then there are those times they just cry for their daddy and it breaks my heart. Was this right?
I just keep asking my self why? Why did he do this? Why did I allow this to happen? Ive asked him what have i done to deserve this. i have been through so much with him. a baby who almost died and almost killed me, his moms death, and weight loss surgery (for him) ive been there for him through everything, i dont deserve this. he tells me ive done nothing wrong. Sometimes I just want to lay down and die. I can't stand the heartbreak, the anger that I have. Sometimes I just wonder if I wasn't here......it would make the pain go way. But then I think of my children and how horrible it would be to not have their mom. I can't do that to my kids. So i hide my pain and continue with life.
Sometimes I wonder where would I be in life if we did not become poly. And I truly believe that we would still be together. Living together in az and doing our daily things. But that's not life anymore. I need to come back to reality and realize what I've done. I need to move on. But how??
I know this is really long and I'm sorry. Please if your gonna comment please no I told you so or mean/rude comments. I don't need to hear that right now. Today I'm just feeling really down and needed to write this out. Needed somewhere to vent.