I hate Leonardo D'Caprio
I have had a weird couple of days. I have been 'cycling". I had a bit of anxiety because the in-laws were here. then, I got manic. I met someone who I'm very very interested in and vice versa. That set off all those nutty chemicals in my brain. Whenever all these emotions happen, the next, commonly, is depression and then, yes! normalcy. But here it it the despression.
Last night I had a TERRIBLE experience. I went to see Wolf of Wall Street with my husband. I loved the movies "Blow" and "Wall Street" so I thought this would be in the same genre. Far from it. But the terrible event was after D'Caperio took a bunch of luDes, he said "I had never had this phase before" (phase of getting high). He called it the "cerebral palsy" phase and lay on the floor acting like he had CP. The audience (a full house) completely burst into laughter. I was confused. I asked my husband "Is this funny?" He said "No" and insisted we leave. On the way home, I became dependent and had sucidal thoughts. I was thinking that I was ugly. I was very aware of my movements (which are pretty subtle for cP). I imagined everyone looking at my body and thinking it was gross and a joke, I had been told by a friend recently that I was too forceful and neurotic about disability and looking for prejudice, but this felt horrible. I began saying stupid things like "Is that why my ex doesn't love me?" Because his wife is beautiful and moves correctly? My husband reminded me, "No your ex does probably love you but he's married, a cheater, a compulsive lier and ...need I say more.
People hide people with disabilities. For years we were even put in institutions. But I am OUT THERE. I date, I go to movies, I ride the subway. I actually gave up looking for jobs (after teaching for 10 years) so I don't have to deal with employment prejudice, but I am pretty out in the world. I am questioning that. I have a loving husband, kid, friends, a neighborhood and a ton of work and books, so maybe I need to hide more in order to protect myself.
I feel very shitty.