Leo saw me typing away on my laptop last night and asked what I was doing. I told him I was blogging on the site. He hung his head over my shoulder to read what I was typing for a minute. When I was done, he asked if he could read it. I was a little nervous. I didn't talk about anything we hadn't talked about before, but a couple of points used to be hot buttons. I gave him my laptop and confirmed it was okay, though I did let him know I was a little nervous. He told me he thought it would be a good way to see how I really feel about things without the editing I do when I talk to him to make for smoother conversations. Yes, I try very hard to be non-confrontational and not push any buttons while remaining honest. I'm aware that I can sometimes be unreasonable when I'm angry so I make sure to 1) calm down before talking to him and 2) be gentle.
He read the whole thing. Poor Leo! Then tickled me by reading the second entry again to make sure he knew the rules. Silly man!
He said the last rule is his favorite and became non-negotiable when we got married. There's a reason I love my husband. I guess we have more rules than some and less than others. To my way of thinking, it condenses down to everyone has to be respectful (me, too!), everyone has to be honest, and our relationship doesn't always have to come first but it does absolutely have to be nurtured.
It was slightly uncomfortable none-the-less. Privacy is a really big deal to me. Even at the height of the angst over A, I didn't look at his cell phone or laptop even when he told me I could. He would show me snippets of conversations via text, but I was very careful of respecting his privacy. We both have an open door policy with our phones. We know each other's passcodes and have nothing to hide. But that doesn't mean it's okay for me to go flipping through his phone to see what he's been doing. It's difficult sharing my innermost thoughts too. However, sharing and being honest is important. Part of why I was nervous was the worry he would find an inaccuracy. I have a policy of not lying to myself, but I sometimes worry that I'm not being honest with myself. Therefore, Leo reading the blog was a good test for that. At least I wasn't lying.
Threw that Unicorn Hunting tag in the title, so I figure I should address that.
I will admit that early in this whole truly opening up (meaning opening my mind and heart to the full ramifications of this relationship), I felt more comfortable being involved in his relationships more. Yes, even being there in the bedroom. Turns out Leo really wanted a threesome too. I'm bi-curious I guess. I find some women attractive, but had never had a sexual experience with one. I like to please my husband as well, so I was on-board. He was lucky enough to find a bi female that had been on both sides of a relationship with a couple before, understood how it works, and shared a mutual attraction with. It came time to meet me. I met S with him and absolutely adored her from the start! I wasn't exactly comfortable with the idea of being very involved with his girlfriend and the threesome, but I honestly liked her. In fact, over time, I bonded with her emotionally. I could totally see why he was attracted to her. She had a lot of wonderful characteristics. The threesome aspect was okay for me, but I had conversations with Leo pretty quickly about that. I'd been reading a lot about poly and explained I had come to understand that I didn't need to be sexually attracted to his girlfriends or even involved that way, and the fact that I genuinely like her was actually pretty ideal. S eventually broke things off because she had started dating a mono guy that she was very excited about and wanted to see where it would go. But she remains friends with Leo and I, and I honestly believe she was the best possible girlfriend for Leo to start me in this journey. She taught me to back away and be comfortable. Let him have his relationships in a way that is comfortable for him and his girlfriend, don't expect anything from the girlfriend more than respect. Be grateful if I can be friends with his girlfriend, and be okay with it if I'm not friends but we're all respectful. In fact, thinking about S yesterday, I sent her a message telling her how much I appreciate her even though that part of the relationship is done. Nothing says we can't all be friends, right? No unicorn hunting, no threesomes unless it evolves organically, and no need to include me on their dates.
Leo's got a new potential now, J. She's pretty down to earth, kind of shy, and poly is completely new to her. All I could do is reassure her that I'm okay with what is developing between her and Leo and won't go all psycho with her. So our meeting went well. I'm not really part of their relationship anyway. Leo updated me last night that he didn't feel like he'd been giving her enough attention due to the holidays and work and wanted to try to spend more time with her. I suggested he schedule a date with her. No lying here - I'm on board with this. I didn't feel jealous or insecure. I just wanted to help my husband solve a problem and let him know I support him. I might actually achieve compersion at some point!