Thank you for your post. I learned a lot from it.
It is nearly the new year and I am trying to make resolutions. I have some friendships that aren't functioning well for me and haven' t been for a long time. Because of my fear of loss, I have been hesitant to speak up in these relationships. One is with my ex-meth addict friend. Well, finally, I wrote letters to these two people. I tried to be kind and generous and not lash out in anger. One replied angrily. We have some emails going back and forth. The other did not reply.
I am not used to having a happy, functioning life. I am not writing this for pity, just making an observation. My parents where neglectful at best, and abandoners at their worst. This coupled with growing up in society which does it's best to convince everyone that disabled people are worthless, made me a really adversive personality. My resolutions:
1. Drink less. 2. more books, less internet, 3. take my meds every day 4. yoga and meditation. 5. practice compassion 6. Get rid of friendships with people who I relate to like I relate to my family. These are historical, It is time to stoop caring what people think of me. It is time to let people in my life who are good to me.
I am trying to figure out the function of "dating" in my life. I'm poly. It's a little, for me, like being single. I have a family to come home to and security. On my dates, there is a lot of pressure off because I won't marry someone else and I don't care how much money a guy makes (something I here is common in dating). I am looking for someone to explore my sexuality with. Not just once. And not through the internet,. Someone I feel safe with, but passionate about. For me, this is like finding a needle in a hay stack! I have been on so many dates and nothing comes of it. But perhaps there IS a function of dating in my larger life- to learn how to be secure in my body, to be sexy, to learn how to date.