rory - Somehow managed to skip a couple of your posts (about gender, and content-based relationships). Wow, big stuff and glad you posted.
Re: sex with men - I have been on the fringes of a former partner going through a similar story arc, and it's a hard interior landscape to explore with someone who doesn't exactly get it. Though Alec's ability to discuss and negotiate desires and limits within your relationship sounds as good as it can get for someone who can't manage to conceptualise gender as a fluid thing!
Look forward to hearing more on this if you get around to sharing.
I'm quite cautious around sex with people with strongly gendered views. This is more often people who comfortably i.d. as "male" than anyone else, just because it's the most likely time that sex could - at least superficially - be seen to conform to a social norm in terms of roles and such. For me, what I am okay with sexually seems to be a combo of the actual acts and the attitude behind it. I've been surprised by how contextual it is, for me.
Re your other post: I think I understand what you're saying about content-based relationships. Just reading the escalator thing now.
What you said, in particular what you said about sexual expectations, connects with things on my mind these days. I like how you've put it. It's a fine distinction, but a powerful one. Thanks for sharing!