Thread: Err...Hey
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Old 12-28-2013, 02:18 PM
LoveBunny LoveBunny is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Florida, USA
Posts: 465

I can relate to you very well. I am also fairly newly "out" and married to a monogamous man.

With my first relationship outside my marriage, in fact, this woman was the reason I opened my marriage, I made similar mistakes to yours. I was utterly head over heels for this woman. Like you, I didn't want to keep anything about my new love from my husband, though he told me he did not want to hear about it. This became an issue especially when my relationship with this woman started to turn ugly and spill over into every aspect of my life. I mean, hubby is who I always turn to when I have problems, so it seemed natural to me to cry on hubby's shoulder when I was in pain over my lover's behavior. He resented this, as he was still struggling to accept my desire to be with other people, to then have the burden of dealing with my unrequited love for another woman=totally unfair to him.

After I untangled myself from unloving woman, husband and I had many long talks about how we can possible make this work so we can both be comfortable in our marriage. He has been adamant that he doesn't want to know anything about my outside relationships. If anyone comes along that I have feeling for, say to the point where I want to spend nights with them sometimes, I am to tell him "There's someone in my life that I want to spend more time with," and that's that. He doesn't want to know who it is. I am not to invite them out when he's around (he works long hours, usually nights, and he is rarely part of my social life anyway.) They are not to "interfere" in his life or our marriage.

I understand this is his way of trying to control/minimize the impact of my relationships outside our marriage, and I worry it is unrealistic to think I can compartmentalize so totally. As of now, its a non-issue, as I don't have strong feelings for anyone, and I've had no problems keeping my mouth shut about either of the guys I dated after I broke up with my girlfriend. But, like you, I have concerns that husband is hoping this is just a phase/mid-life crises, or he believes no one will ever come along who I develop real feelings for and who feels for me back.

We've only been doing this for a year, so I'm hoping there will be some relaxing of his resistance as we continue to talk and grow. Or, who knows? Maybe I'll learn that no one compares to him (so far, honestly, no one does) and settle back into monogamy. For now, we are both taking it as it comes.

Last edited by LoveBunny; 12-28-2013 at 08:54 PM. Reason: wrong gender prounoun
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