Well... Do I feel like an asshole.
Yesterday was a tough day. Like I said, one day to reconnect after four days apart was tough. Add to it the fact that our reconnect day was Christmas and it was a busy-ass day, AND my ex basically, in his own special way, sent me a few texts that just pushed my "you're being marginalized as a parent again" button, and that just made the situation worse.
So here I was, putting around last night, trying to distract myself with stuff to do, and doing okay, but basically feeling grouchy about the situation, P, M1, all that. I was in a bitchy funk, I guess.
Shoveled the snow (well, pushed it around a bit, since it really WAS fluffy this time), P called me, and we chatted a while, and then it was time for dinner. I get halfway through my plate and I hear a car in the driveway. Then the door opens up.
My thoughts were, "Is this P?! Or is this someone just walking into my house?!" So I walked over, yelling 'HELLO!!' (what was I going to do if it were an intruder, throw my brussels sprouts at them?!) and yeah... it was P.
All the emotional crap I was dealing with - all the hating of the situation - all the anger going here, there, and everywhere, and all my efforts to try to redirect it and contain it pretty much exploded into tears.
I did manage to tell him that just walking in the door when I'm not expecting him is NOT a good idea (if only just because I'm going to whap him with a log or something, thinking he doesn't belong here!).
He and M1 talked at lunch... he felt awful and knew that the one day wasn't enough for me, and it wasn't really enough for him, either. M1 was more than accommodating, and she was all set to have him take the next TWO days up here with me. He basically had to say nooooo - four days apart sucks, regardless of which direction it's in.
So... all the emotions, all the anger, all the CRAPTACULAR feelings, and now I feel like an ass because they both just sort of surprised me with an extra night with P.
First thing I did (well, after prying my drippy-eyed self off P for a bit) was to text M1 and tell her what that meant to me.
It's so damn easy to be in a situation you don't really know how to navigate (poly) and don't always like (the time apart, the "big family" stuff), and vilify the people involved (M1). And something like this is just truly humbling and makes me step back and see that she cares too. It's not about her pulling him away from me.
So yeah. Humbled. And happy as hell to have another night with P. Better than any of the Christmas presents I received this year, to be honest. Although the fuzzy Cookie Monster pants and suuuuuuper fuzzy bathrobe come in a close second.
Will I learn my lesson and quit blaming and getting emotionally spiked? I dunno. I hope to curtail the blame a bit, but it's a response I'm going to have to un-learn, I think. It's easy to live in the reality we create in our own heads (M1 "taking P away", for instance) and not look up and see what's really going on.
And now that the brunt of the holiday season is over (except for more family coming over Saturday), that stressor will be gone as well.
P says he loves the right women. M1 really did something she didn't have to do, and I appreciate that more than I can say. I guess as long as he can consider my emotional self to be one of the right women (and sometimes I wonder), then yeah. I guess he does.
Okay, onward and upward. Wood stove is cranking, I've gotta get my butt into work for a couple hours at least (what a dead week this is), and do some shopping. Making a couple lasagnas tonight - one for the neighbor and one for dinner tomorrow. Mmmm... Lasagna...