I told her how I feel. How important my autonomy is and having control over my experiences w others. She said she knows. She wants me to have that. But isn't comfortable with it, and can't/won't promise she ever will be. She said "I know you're going to do what you want but it doesn't mean I agree or support it. I can't control you, all I can control is how I feel about things and I don't think I'll know until it happens."
I told her leaving it all open ended without resolution scares me. I don't want it to end up like the last agreement, dragging on forever. She said she just doesn't wanna fight about it anymore - that it hurts most to fight. That she knows I'm going to do what I'm going to do but she can't predict how she'll feel or react and doesn't want to make any agreements on it either.
We kinda sat in silence for a while both just stumped on what to do. I said I'm afraid of having this same convo over and over. I know how I feel and it's not going to change. Whether we deal w it today in a month 6 mo or a year I know that's the kind of relationship I want (more open, more freedom) and she doesn't know if she can handle it. She said but if it doesn't work out it doesn't work out. It won't be the end of the world. Let's just have fun together while we can. We will deal w things as they happen. She said I can kiss who I want but she's not comfy with more than that.
I think it's the best I can hope for right now if I don't want to lose her. She's pretty much saying do what you will - with my response being yes I will be myself but I'm offering you a chance to discuss options. Though we're not really seeing a compromise in sight for either of us so.. It's been discussed and we'll move on for now. Trying to let go of needing to have control over every aspect of the situation & predict the future cuz I can't. I want to be happy with her & experience life together. I just need some space to be me. I'm hoping things smooth themselves out, like they have w my bf.
It's kinda how it went with him too. I will admit I'm stubborn. I analyze and go over every detail obsessively and think deeply into every situation so when I come to a conclusion, it's usually pretty final. Or at least what I know I need in that moment of time or situation. It's very thought out so I'm hard to persuade otherwise.
I had come to the conclusion all my issues distancing myself from him stemmed from feeling too depended on (in turn closing off my independence) and feeling not in total control of myself. I needed space, independence and the freedom to be myself with others. We discussed it a few times b4 I said look it's a need not a want. I don't wanna fuck up or "cheat" so I'm telling you now it's what I need and you have the option to stay or go. I don't want to constantly feel guilty or hurt & disappoint you. He stayed and things have never been better.
Tbh I think sometimes when dealing w jealousy "ignorance can be bliss." He knows I have his "blessing" to do what I will but I don't offer up details so he's not hurting creating scenarios and nothing bad has happened. It has only enhanced every aspect of our relationship. Not taken away. He gave me freedom to grow and challenged himself to also, while having the time / space needed to learn bout what causes the jealousy.
I can only hope that will happen with her. I hope the more we try to grow together and as individuals, these "problems" will melt away into history. I think I can do and get what I need to a point and like I said deal with the rest as it comes along.