P didn't come to my family event. I had asked him not to let me know yes or no ahead so I wouldn't have the time to focus on the added rejection when the answer was no. When we got close to the gift exchange I let him know, and when some time passed without reply, messaged that I was allowing myself to assume that he was not showing up, and asked if my assumption was correct. It took him two replies to actually confirm I was correct.
Why was that so hard?! Just answer the f'ing question, then go into justifications if you need, instead of hinting.
Yes, I was feeling hurt and rejected. I had to remind myself that he is NOT my partner and I had no right to feel hurt, and to thank him for honoring my request to not tell me ahead and save me pain and rejected feelings that would have haunted me leading up to the party.
If I didn't care, if I didn't want him there to share in my family celebration, it would not have hurt. Thankfully only one aunt cornered me to ask where P was.
Now I'm home and my son and his GF are gone to spend the rest of the evening with her mother, so I am alone with my thoughts.
Alone to sort through the goodies and pick up. Alone and wishing I had someone who could be with me to touch and snuggle and recap the holiday. I have but I don't have. I want. I ache. If I could choose between feeling pain and feeling nothing, right now I would choose nothing.
I am reminded of a poem called The Therapist. I can't remember it all right now, nor find it with an online search, but it has a refrain of
I am not permanent in your life,
and you are not permanent in mine.
But let me walk beside you
for a little while.