Originally Posted by classycaveman
OK but she may not be willing to lose you again. Depends on how freely she loves. I have exes I would love to spend a few hot steamy nights with again, but the idea of building up a relationship only to have them say "I want you to myself, dump the rest" doesn't appeal to me. So that may be all you'd get from her... a few great nights.
That might be enough though. I've always been of the opinion that feelings are just that... feelings. Especially romantic feelings. They can be turned off if you really want to turn them off. A few nights with her might be enough to satisfy the cravings you've been having, lead you to a sense of closure and then you may be able to move on. 4 or 5 years is a lot of time to build something up in your mind to unrealistic proportions.
My advice would be not to approach her and offer her a particular relationship, but rather arrange to get together for a visit, have a few drinks and see how things develop. Love shouldn't be scheduled and arranged. (I realize in poly situations this is often unavoidable, lol... but I digress...) It should be spontaneous.
I think it would be a good idea for you to see her again and allow each other the chance to feel and experience all those good things again, but don't expect her to leave the other guy. It's just not gonna happen man. Have fun.
((Apologies for rambling so much, but I really need to talk this stuff through.))
I should, perhaps, clarify that this has nothing to do with "hot and steamy". I can see how you got that impression, but to be honest I'm not at all a sexual person. I'm open and obliging, "Good Giving and Game", but it's not really on my own radar. That might be the depression again, but she'd know to expect that of me too.
What it's about, for me, is romance and intimacy. Sleepovers, cuddles, silly poems, mutual emotional support, companionship. Despite my flaws, I think I can provide all those things for her. And despite her flaws, I think she can provide all those things for me. It's never going to be nearly as "hot and steamy" as it is with Mr Poly Dude, and that's part of the reason I backed out two years ago... but y'know, I like to think what I'm offering now is good too. I like to think I'm a "keeper", someone for her to settle down and raise a family with in the long term, if that's what she wants.
Right now I don't know what she wants on this level. Maybe she wants the sort of casual thing she has now, maybe she's hoping to eventually move to something more settled. Maybe she'll move into something more settled with Mr Poly Dude (even if she's not his primary, though that seems odd to my non-poly mindset).
That part comes way later though. For now I just want to be there for her, to rebuild some of that sense of intimacy and companionship. I know she still trusts me and turns to me for emotional support on occasion, even though we're just friends, so the chord hasn't been entirely severed. Maybe it can be rebuilt, with time and effort and patience, and maybe it can't. Maybe what I'm offering is what she needs, maybe she's getting everything she needs from Mr Poly Dude. I don't know.
I do know one thing though - she's worth the effort. I'm going to give it a shot and see how things go.