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Old 12-25-2013, 08:35 PM
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rory rory is offline
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I want to write about sex with men.

Several interrelated, rather complicated things come together under that topic - relating to my gender discomfort/dysphoria, my relationship with Alec, and other (potential) male partners.

I'll start from One Penis Policy which Alec and I have (or it's some form of, whatever). I haven't written much about it, but here's one text from two years ago: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showp...&postcount=105

When I got together with Alec (nearly 10 years ago), we were both teenagers. Having challenged no relationship norms whatsoever, and basically no idea who we were.

It took me a few years to realise that, hey, I can be attracted to women, too! I.e. I started to identify as a bisexual woman.

A few years from that (so about 5 years ago) I noticed that I didn't feel jealous thinking about him having sex with somebody else, and told him he's free to do so. He said that he's not all that interested in doing anything himself, but if I wanted to have sex with women, he wouldn't feel jealous about that.

That context has been very relevant. Our opening up didn't come, from either of us, from desire to be with other people. We were both extremely satisfied and happy just having sex with each other, and didn't have any strong views about value of non-monogamy in itself. So the freedom was a question of "why not" rather than "need/want it".

I had a few flings before I met Mya (2,5 years ago), at which point I asked Alec if we could be poly (rather than simply sexually open). He was fine with it, and what has progressed from there can pretty much be read in this journal.

If one wants to conceptualise these things as orientations, it's become pretty clear in the last five years that Alec is mono. He's had a couple of crushes and one kiss. I'm still his only sexual partner, ever.

I used to be happily mono, and probably would've been for a while more. But during the years that has changed, and nowadays I identify very strongly as poly. I don't see myself ever agreeing to a monogamous relationship again.

The fact that he feels jealous over men and not women has been an issue on an abstract level for a good long while (I'm no fan of double standard), but then on the other hand less so, because he has tried to overcome those feelings, even though he hasn't been successful. Alec is not happy that he feels that way, but it hasn't changed. And while that whole gender-linkage bothers me, I appreciate the fact that he's honest about how he feels, and I've been able to live with the fact that the difference exists. And he's not saying I can't be with other men, he's saying that if I choose to be with other men, he can no longer continue our relationship. That may not seem like a big practical difference, but to me, there's a difference. He's not seeking to control my behaviour, he's focusing on his own and communicating his personal boundaries.

One of the reasons I've had very few practical problems with it has been that my sexual orientation has been changing. For several years, I had zero interest in having male sexual partners (though my relationship with Alec has been sexual all the while - but being closed off to new male partners is a much simpler thing than making choices regarding sex in an existing relationship - and the latter has gone through a lot of changes in ways we have sex to accommodate my personal mental/identity changes). This has been linked to changes in my gender identity, I have identified, more or less, as trans for the last 3 years - not as female but not as male, either, though I've continued going by female pronouns etc. In any case, regarding the restriction of men, for me, it's been practically a non-issue for a long time.

However, not so much nowadays. I've felt more gender discomfort lately, and I am seriously considering transitioning. Also wondering if I might be transman rather than transgender (non-binary, as I've so far thought myself as). And with that, with identifying less and less as a woman, have come changes to who I want to have sex with. I continue wanting women, but I also now want men. I just don't want straight sex with men. I want gay sex with men.

When these things have changed and continue to change, there are some rather strong implications to my relationship with Alec (also there are other things to write about relating to them, but since I started writing about Alec, I'll continue about that).

Since I started seeing myself as trans, I've had less and less straight sex. Nowadays, I have that very rarely, and when I do, it's never a good idea. Now, this has required a lot of mental adjustment, some physical, and some relationship adjustment. (With Alec, mostly; when Mya started a relationship with me, she already knew I'm trans to the extent that it applied at the time.)

Alec cannot really understand gender discomfort at all (which bothers me but hasn't bothered me enough to actually end the relationship) He's more or less adjusted to any practical requests I've had, and we've managed to change our sex life to accommodate my preferences and his. Mostly, the practical things.

Thing is, as I feel more like a man, it bothers me more that he sees me as a woman. It has bothered me before, but to a lesser extent. To him, nothing really exists between man and woman, that he can emotionally relate to at all, that is. He accepts that I feel that way, as my experience, but still, it's not real to him outside my head. In things other than sex, he sees me primarily as a person, which is great, and pretty much what I always want. But in the realm of sex, it's more of a problem.

If using labels, which don't really represent the complexity of reality, the problem becomes kind of obvious: he's a straight man and I'm not a woman. Or, as it seems to be moving towards: he's a straight man and I'm a man. Not physically, as of yet, but... I suppose it's a good thing we're breaking up, since that would likely become more of an issue.

But yeah; how this all relates to issues that are going on with Alec right now, despite the fact that we're breaking up; several ways.

I want sex with him. We'll continue having sex until we break up, unless I make some radical changes to that. I don't want to, since, well, I'm enjoying it (physically, very much; mentally, some days but not so much others). I recognise that it's not all that healthy for me, on the days when it's not mentally good, but I can't also always tell when it's one of those days and when not. And stopping would be a really big deal and I don't really even have energy to contemplate it. But, now, this is the reality we'll live in, for the next few months.

I am thinking about sex with other men. A lot. I'm open to the idea of having new male sexual partners - queer/bi/gay men. Now, I'm mostly not open to it in practice at the moment, since I have discomfort about my body (plus most gay men, at least, wouldn't of course be interested in having sex with me as long as I look like a woman). But I see men, in a different way than I have done in years. Which, of course, in itself isn't a problem for Alec (I'm obviously free to flirt etc. as much as I want).

So, in concrete ways, it's not a big issue. He doesn't feel comfortable if I have sex with other men, I'm not (yet) ready to have sex with other men. But still. I can't realistically share that excitement of the potential, and expect him to be enthusiastic or have compersion (e.g. "Wow that guy I know is hot and god I wonder if we could fuck at some point, wouldn't that be just awesome!"). That bothers me (which may be unreasonable, I'm well aware, but it still bothers me). And the lack of freedom to decide, one of these days, that yes, now I want to; that bothers me.

So, concretely, no problem at the moment: he's not comfortable with me having sex with other men; I'm not comfortable having sex with other men right now. And, yeah, I'll be able to wait until we've broken up, with that. It would be a total jerk move not to.

But a part of me desires all that freedom. Resents the fact that us being together limits it.

Then again. We don't have money to break up - all the costs that relate to the practical realities of it - not until about four months from now. And that, I suppose, is the crux of the issue. Not the concrete reality of it, that I can handle; the awareness that we're stuck in this situation regardless of how we feel about it.

Last edited by rory; 12-25-2013 at 08:40 PM.
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