I *was* Zen
I was peaceful. I was good.
He sounded like a basket case, feeling rejected. I felt guilty, so I gave up my peace and asked him to come visit anyway.
It was a nice visit. Didn't get to the relationship agreement or to sorting boxes.
But my fears were realized when he left this morning and I am facing the holiday feeling thrown away.
P told me he needs me. But it feels like that is only when it is convenient for him.
Truth, I don't "need" him - I WANT him. But it is so hard to go from wanting and enjoying him when does choose to be with me, to feeling left behind and rejected when he is gone. I shed a few tears this morning when it hit me he was leaving so soon after we would get out of bed and I had no clue as to when I would see him again, other than for our counseling appt on Monday. He pushed asking why the tears, and I was honest.. he did the plan ahead and say he would be here Fri & Sat nights.
After he left I took a long nap and cried myself to sleep. I went to a friend's house for a few hours tonight - Christmas Eve, and almost lost it there when his former domme asked me why P wasn't with me, fortunately the buddy recognized and redirected the topic.
So I'm trying to pretend P is on military assignment and has no choice but to leave me behind. Not really working well.
I checked my email. A former "friend" that had tried to trap him in a lie on OKC emailed, I had told her to never contact me again after her deceptions. But I though maybe over a year or no contact had made her remorseful. I was wrong. I didn't reply & don't intend to even open any future emails from her. I don't know if she just peeked or if she is up to shennanigans again, but she reminded me how I am no longer on OKC and P is, mentioning how it seemed he was "highly active." How she derived that, I'm not going to ask. She seemed to be gloating that she was right that I would never be enough for him. F*** it hurts to be reminded.
I did give P a heads up, just in case she was doing more than watching how often he was online or the notice on OKC for how likely someone may be to reply. I don't want him paranoid if/when someone new messages him, but he has right to know.
Why does he NEED be to on there? Why does he NEED to forge connections with ONLY women who "entice" him? I don't know. My mono leaning brain just doesn't understand, and I feel so rejected. Back to me when poly just being open to possibility of other loves vs "chasing" - chasing is not wrong, but it is not something I understand or would want for myself.
God, I hope my family does not remind me I am without P tomorrow. He does know he is welcome, and I did request that he not tell me ahead if he may or may not show up. No expectations, no disappointment. And if the answer is going to be no, no feeling rejected ahead of time.
Am I that freaking codependant? I give up my Zen for his?
Love is NOT tit for tat, I did not ask for the distance to hurt him, but to protect me leading up to today & tomorrow, to allow me a holiday without tears. I had it in my grasp, and gave it up for him because he was needy. Why couldn't I put myself first? That is #2 on my affirmations list, and I still couldn't do it when he appeared to be hurting. Does he ever choose to take the rout that would cause himself emotional pain so that I could be more at peace?
Brain overload & over-analyzing. Time for teddy & sleep.