Thread: Wide Awake
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Old 12-24-2013, 11:30 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 866
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First and foremost, Merry Christmas to those on this side of the world with me, and Merry Christmas Eve to the rest of the world!

Nine months ago, I watched my world collapse and fall into utter disarray. 2013 has been a very trying year on all fronts, but I can say with absolute certainty that this year is going to end on a high note.

After my relationship with Si ended, I found myself wondering, "What next?" That was a rough period. DH and I were fighting, and at times, I am not even sure why we were fighting. The trust was one sided. I was stressed, losing weight, and crying to the point of being all cried out. I decided to put every ounce of strength and love I had into my marriage, my children, our family, and charity work. From the ashes of what our lives used to be arose the most unexpected and beautiful surprise. We met this little girl who would reshape our lives and make us work our arses off to rebuild our marriage.

After we met her, something kicked in that was never there before. We were hungry for a healthy marriage and friendship with one another. We both saw the future, and we had a vision of what needed to be done to get it done. We agreed to do whatever it took. If it meant upping the number of sessions, crying, being very direct and painfully honest, so be it. Weakness was not allowed. We started operating as a team and a unit. It was like the old days. We attended a marriage retreat, and all the walls that were up finally came down. I see the future, and honey, there is no other man for me. I may not have believed in fairytales and happily ever after, but he is the closest thing I could possibly get to "the one." I am drunk in love with DH.

I am now able to speak on this, and I want to share some happy news after the very sad year we have had marriage and family wise. DH and I underwent the lengthy process to become foster carers (parents), and by the grace of God, we were approved. Our newest family member has been with us since Friday, and though this was not how I expected my year to end, it has been the most wonderful blessing. I love her like I brought her in this world. It is safe to say that poly is not part of my future. My children are 14, 5, and 1.5. To say the least, my hands are more full than ever before. I would rather give my all to all three of my babies and DH than give love and time to another adult. I have everything I need, and I could not ask for more.

I am blessed more than I could ever deserve because I was given a second chance at our marriage and a second chance to be a better mummy to my little duckies. Not too long ago, I took my family for granted, and they are my world now. There is nothing that compares to my baby running into my arms and saying, "mummy." There is nothing that compares to being in DH's arms and hearing his heartbeat. There is nothing that compares to recording Instagram videos of my five year old singing, "Call Me, Maybe" and dancing to her heart's content.

I have done some much needed maturing and growing up. It is no longer all about me, what I want, what I need, what makes me happy, and what will make me feel good. I have made some massive changes. I refuse to work over 40 hours a week. If I miss out on money, who cares? I dropped my maiden name, and I am going by my married name. Professionally and privately. I was holding on to my maiden name because I was poly. Maiden name = availability. I bought into that belief that sharing a name equals DH owning me or me being his property. Lies. All lies. I am still me. I am my own woman. I own my heart. I belong to me. One facet of my identity is DH's wife. Other facets? Mum of three, the professional side, and the grown woman who has come into her own this year.

I appreciate each and every one of who you who gave advice. The good and the bad. I am not sure what is going to happen from here on out, but I do know that we are going to stay married and continue putting our family above all. I have missed posting on here, but I needed a break to really analyse and figure out, "Does poly belong in my life?" As much as the old me would have said, "yes," the new me says, "no." I am not going to be keeping my blog up because I have detached even further from the side of me that was once poly. My old life has no semblance of what my new life is. I still believe it works for people. I believe it can be something wonderful and inspiring. However, it is not for me. I know myself well enough to know that even after my children are grown and off to university, it is still not going to be something I will ever attempt again. My, how I have changed! It was more or less a temporary dwelling (12+ years), and I have moved on to the next thing.

I wish all of the you the happiest of holidays, and I hope you enjoy your partners, lovers, husbands, wives, friends, family, children, and anyone you are spending the holidays with. Hugs from me to each and every single one of you that read this! The absolute best and nothing less! I am not sure about you guys, but I am ready for 2014. There are some great things on the horizon.

Ry
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Ry - Me. Panromantic demisexual with a history of polyamorist tendencies. Married to...
Mr. Grey - The once distant stranger that I complement beautifully. DH of 12 years and father of our (3) children.
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