Situation now is:
*Gf accepts me having sex with my bf.
*Gf says no interactions with other guys without her being involved. No kissing or having anything go on with this other guy at all.
Seems kinda like she did a trade off like "well if you can have sex with your bf then you can't do anything w any other guys." She didn't say it in those words but I feel she thinks I should compromise because she's "allowing" me to sleep w my bf. I don't think it should have ever been a question whether I'd have full control over my sex life w my bf. Totally regret ever giving in to that when it went down but she pretty much gave me an ultimatum. I thought we could work past it, and it looks like we did, but god damn it took a long time. I don't really think I can last another whole year being held back. It's only been a month and a half since I first kissed the other guy when she said "no more" but it feels like it's been forever, lol.
Especially because I went through this w my bf last year (which is why its soooo frustrating doing this all over again.) Telling him I wanted to be sure I wasn't dragging him along with something he didn't want to be in and I wanted to be up front and honest about what I was able to give him. That it's a need for me to have a more open relationship and be able to have intimate moments with other men. My gf was by my side through all of this, supporting me, saying he should let me be who I am. Now it makes me question if maybe she was only so supportive bc it benefited her (we liked the same "other" guy at the time.)
I don't know. I love her. Besides all the poly stuff, we get along fantastically. There are just a lot of traits with her way of loving and holding onto a relationship that make me want to RUN! I don't want to run, because all I *truly* want to do is love. She makes me happy. And she says that's what she wants - for me to be happy and us be happy together. I still fear we will never push past a just "acceptance" with an underlying level of resentment..which I can't handle. She asked me to give her more credit and confidence that she's working towards giving me what I want, and I'm trying. I'm just scared. I guess I just maybe need more details.
It's hard for me to know what's okay, reasonable, fair to ask for. I know I can be impatient when I want something so I'm just trying to get some clarity and find a balance. I want everything to be perfect and everyone to feel safe & content.