Idealist Poly Blog Part 9- thoughts about love and polyamory
Immediately after I read “The Ethical Slut” (a short 2 months ago) and joined this forum, I understood Polyamory. Giving the lifestyle a name and meeting people online who are living the lifestyle was the last piece in the puzzle for me. I understand the lifestyle to the core of my being. And, I have been explaining the lifestyle to the people who are important to me. We were functioning as “friends with benefits” before this piece of the puzzle was put in place for me.
I know my male lovers want to develop long term relationships. The thing about falling in love and surrendering yourself completely to a partner is that eventually the relationship ends and you have to suffer. Your lover goes away and you miss them and have to grieve the loss. So, these guys (my lovers) are not afraid of falling in love, but they are trying to avoid being hurt again. Which makes me think that maybe sometimes; we avoid falling in love, not because we are afraid of love, but because we are trying to avoid the pain which inevitably follows the loss of a lover.
These guys really enjoy the idea of this lifestyle and so far, the experiences we have had. They are really anticipating future get-togethers. I can hear the excitement in their voices as they talk about the future possibilities and I know they are excited about the sexual part of the lifestyle and the freedom. But, when I gently remind them that this is about long term relationships and forming connections with people that we can love because we trust each other and we can be completely honest with each other- their faces literally light up and it seems that their hearts just open up right there in front of me.
It seems that we do want exciting sexual experiences, but we also want to love and be loved. And we believe that this lifestyle is a way to experience love without the desire to possess one another. It seems that the desire to possess a lover is one of the things which will ruin an otherwise healthy relationship.