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Old 12-24-2013, 08:18 AM
FarAwayLover FarAwayLover is offline
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Boston
Posts: 45
Default Thanks! and update on communiques

Hi all,

Thanks so much for all the responses and welcomes. I'm behind in responding - I've been spending my time on the forum reading the story of the success in Mono and RedPepper's (and others') relationship(s)!

I've been writing stuff in my head, but not getting anything down on paper (nor on the screen, or whatever). When I was in college I was the type who read and read and read, then thought and thought and thought, and finally started writing the paper the night before it was due. And I'm not good at writing short, either. So I think it'll take me a while to respond to the various thoughts here, and also bring things sort of up to date.

Since early November when things blew up, there have been 3 or 4 short bits of communication. I'll provide more details, in a bit. But my general impression is that things are still not going great, and that JP is still working on having A forgive him, whatever that might consist of. So don't know if even just a friendship is possible going forward or not.

1) I got around to posting a picture on my LinkedIn page. We all got pictures taken at my office for the company web page, and were told we could use the pictures elsewhere if we wanted. I purposely didn't post mine on LinkedIn right away, because i wasn't sure what LinkedIn would do in terms of telling JP that I had a picture up. I was trying to avoid being too much in his face (you may remember that LinkedIn is how we reconnected int he first place…), but did at some point feel that it also didn't seem appropriate to hold onto that for an extended period of time. I got a short e-mail note saying that it was a nice picture, and that since, as I knew, he wasn't supposed to be in contact with me, we was going to delete the message out of his sent folder as soon as he sent it.

A good little me would have just sat on that message, I guess, but I _did_ respond. Somewhat lengthy message about how the pictures came to be - my office-mate is a freelance photographer - etc. Got a reply telling me that A seems less angry with the counseling they're getting, but JP is still in the doghouse, and he still sounded concerned about his marriage.

2) Back in October, JP was collecting the state quarters. I found a number of them, and put them in a package near the end of the month. I included a quarter for the year he graduated high school and a penny for his birthyear. I had the post office track the package, because the mail code he gave me looked a little funky, so I wanted to make sure it actually arrived. As it happens, the arrival was after things blew up, so I didn't receive an acknowledgment from JP. So I was glad to have had the post office track things. And the last I knew, he had one state left to find.

So a couple of weeks ago B (who sorts out mail) brings me this skinny envelope with a return address from JP. With what looked like a check in it. This was rather puzzling - wasn't expecting any mail, and certainly not a check. I had visions of the skinny rejection letter from college. B very kindly sat with me while I opened it and read it. Turns out it _was_ a check, for the quarters I had sent. Plus a note. Thanking me for the quarters, and telling me of a plan he'd hatched. Earlier he'd had a dream about buying a $15K engagement ring for A. Well, the plan he's cooked up is to spend 10-15K on an engagement ring and a new wedding band, take A out to a fancy restaurant, and ask her to marry him. With something to the effect of - if that won't fix things he doesn't know what will. Which tells me that things still need fixing.

3) Somewhat emboldened by the receipt of the letter, when the shootings happened in CO a few days after the letter arrived, I sent JP a short e-mail saying I was thinking of him at that time in light of the fact that he used to live in that town. And saying it was going to snow soon. Got a note back to enjoy the snow and stay warm, and then a followup note pointing out that he now had a pager. Right, I said, just what I should be doing - paging him.

4) Over Thanksgiving I'd found a couple of copies of the last state quarter that JP was missing, plus a couple of the national parks (the next sequence that he had started collecting). I had been trying to figure out what to do about them, since I felt like they were burning a hole in my pocket. Having received a communication about the other quarters seemed to open the door, and I shipped those last quarters off the other day, looking for closure on that. And telling JP on paper about my plans to send e-mail in both directions when B and I make our travel plans to Minneapolis.
So, communication has been pretty sparse, but I haven't been as good about it as I probably should have been. At least it's been minimal and what I would consider neutral. And I've typically been waiting to hear something and then responding, as opposed to initiating contact.

I know I've learned a lot about me and B. We're doing a better job of talking with each other about things, and I certainly _do_ tell him how awesome he is.

Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Hi FarAwayLover,

And in the meantime, ponder whether you'd want to pursue any other poly partners (such as through OKCupid or PolyMatchMaker). Are you happy enough with just you and B together?


Those are my thoughts for now. Two main TL/DR points:
  • Honor JP's request for radio silence;
  • Don't count on JP to return into your life.
I'm not sure that having learned I'm capable of loving more than one person will do much for me, in that I don't feel a strong need for other people the way that it seems many people on this forum do. (It's interesting to read folks who figured out back in high school that one person wasn't enough, for example…) In the case of JP there was a lot of history (which I'll go into in another post). I don't _think_ I'm going to be out there looking, and I have a hard time imagining investing enough time in a relationship with a random person to have this feeling of closeness and love sneak up on me.

So, to answer Kevin T's point, I think I _am _ satisfied with just me and B. I don't _need_ another relationship.


By the way, what's TL/DR?

Again, many thanks, everyone! There will be more responses later.

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