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Old 04-05-2010, 01:04 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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LR, I'm really empathizing with you right now. Tech and I have only been together a little over three years but I feel as you've said as well.
Ourquad-I'm sorry to hear that you feel the same way-becuase I wouldn't wish the feeling of not being as important to someone as they are to you-on anyone. I'm also thankful, since you do feel as I've decribed, that you've said so, because it does ease some of the severity of pain to know I'm not alone.
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And truthfully his answers may decide exactly what I do. If a secondary was all he could be to me, he should not have encourage me in making it more. I would have loved him still, but definitely done some things differently.
Ourquad-I quoted this part to Maca last night. It's so very true. I think the key difference HERE is that GG hasn't bothered to educate himself on WHAT it is he ACTUALLY wants. He SAID all of the right things to quote Maca, but (and I say this in deep sincerity as I know it's one of GG's less stellar habits) he never actually put the time and effort into learning what that really means to DO that.
I should have considered that detail. I KNEW he was bad about not digging into the deeper details, that he tends to overlook the finite details and distinctions in life. I knew that he has a tendency to follow and not make a stand for any one thing (including me over the years) on his own.
I SHOULD have considered the distinct possibility that even though I found Polyamory, and I figured out through MUCH searching that it was who I am. Even though I took the time to research it for myself AND THEN TOOK THE TIME TO FIND THE MOST PERTINENT DETAILS AND EMAIL THEM TO BOTH MACA AND GG because I knew that it would be less time consuming for them that way then it was for me, even though I KNEW it was critical that we ALL educate ourselves FULLY on what it means to be polyamorous as well as to be certain we were covering the details of each of our individual needs (not just my own) AND our 3 separate 2/person relationship needs AND the relationship between all three of us. EVEN THOUGH I not only told them both about the board and invited them to join and even though I took the time to email them links to posts/threads that were PERSONALLY pertinent to us and specifically commented in those emails as to how they pertained to how I feel, what I need, what I expect, believe etc...
I also knew he didn't read all of the emails, didn't research polyamory (or D/s as noted in a prior "problem thread of mine) and didn't make time to read the board or get to know the people who I was talking about having meaning to me... As I told Maca this afternoon-I knew the level of commitment I was asking Maca to accept as being allowed between GG and I, wasn't THERE.
I SHOULD have put that information together, but I didn't.

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I had major issues with my blood pressure this past weekend (which postponed our talks) and both of them were there.
Subtle I can see (that is so my sister). But you have to be there to BE THERE. More on that later.

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Ask GG flat out. It's a bit scary, I know. You may not get the answer you would like. I'm prepared for that myself.
In a way I guess it's scary-but I asked the scariest question and I got the most possible heartbreaking answer I could imagine. One of my strengths is always being able to accept the true answer, even if it's not what I want to hear. It hurt-and I don't know what it's going to mean in terms of impacting our situation. I do know I DID make that covenant in my love for GG, and I don't break my covenants. I also know now that he did not make that depth of covenant in his love for me. How our lives will change in light of that, I'm not sure. There WILL be changes. I won't stop loving him and I won't leave (or kick him out) but things will change, they have to.
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But because you are depressed, I would like to suggest you not make a major decision at this time. Hear things GG has to say but think on them for a long enough time that you'll be able to discern if your reaction is clouded by depression or not.
Thank you. You sound so much like me. I say that so often to people. I am not one to make rash decisions. I don't intend to make any decisions right now. One must first fully feel their heartache and reach the point where they can accept it as part of them before they move on-and I will.

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Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
All I can pass along is a hug LR. Reading your response(s) I can see you are in pain. I hope it all works out. I would play devils advocate, as I tend to do, but in all honesty you don't need that ...I wish you the best with your healing and I really hope GG figures out what...well figures stuff out.
Ariakas, you are a wonder. I can't believe that you wrote this. It brought tears to my eyes when I read it again today. So very thoughtful, so compassionate, so loving. SUCH deep ability to express loving action to another from a man who claims that he has difficulty doing so. I know your story-we've talked, I want you to know-there MUST be great wonders in store for you, because your heart shines through the internet, so many people's hearts don't shine through in real life! TY, xo.

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Just curious, could you have slightly misinterpreted what was said. I have never known anyone to say their loves are not best friends. However, if you were best friends and moved to lovers the dynamic changes, you can never JUST be a best friend again.
YES Ariakas! YES. My sister, she's not biologically my sister. She was my best friend first. She and I say that one day we decided to "promote" one another. Now (and for many years now) we have proclaimed one another as sisters. With that proclamation we have responsibilities. Those responsibilities are IN ADDITION to the responsibilities one has to a best friend....

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For example, my wife is my best friend...my wife is my lover. I have responsibilities to both of those dynamics that are very fluid.
YES YES YES YES YES!!! Not one or the other, she holds both roles in your life, in your heart-so you (and she) hold both sets of responsibilities, not one or the other..

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Hope that made sense.
It made perfect sense to me, but that wasn't really the issue. BUT I THANK YOU for expressing it. At least I know I'm not the only one who see's this, and I if I am crazy for thinking it-there are other "crazies" out there as well!

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Wow...ya, I can't verbalize the difference either. Sorry I can't even really "tell" the difference, but I can compare how I am with my best friend A and my ex-lover and best friend E. The differences are small but important. I will have to think about this to figure out what the difference is...
And so, here we are. As bolded, underlined and re-colored, I need those small differences if I am to take someone as a primary....

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Some of you are right in thinking that I've been trying to allow for Maca to be there for LR. But, being in this poly relationship, I need to realize that I am just as important to LR as Maca is.
No-this is incorrect. SOME poly relationships are NOT equal. Being a PRIMARY to me means that you have equal responsibility (and privileges) as Maca in relationship with me. BUT if you don't choose to take the responsibilities, you can't remain a primary-and as noted later, either you have it or you don't. Either your depth of emotion for me and commitment to me is PRIMARY or it's not.
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I have this real issue with worrying that I'll step on his toes. All the years they've been together, I've been the only one that supported them in their marriage all the time.
Did you forget ALL THE YEARS OF OUR RELATIONSHIP when the word poly got brought up? Or was it when the word marriage got brought up? Have you spent 17 years freaking ignoring what I say? Have you never heard and NOTED how often I've screamed, yelled, fought, etc for OUR relationship????
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Last edited by NeonKaos; 04-05-2010 at 12:07 PM. Reason: quote formatting
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