Lots of good points above.
Been doing lots of thinking, talking, trying to understand... Spending time apart and together. Really mainly focusing on quality time. That has been good.
We hadn't gone back into the convo of "rules" or boundaries because in my mind the way she said things meant she didn't like the desires I have but was opening herself up to accept them. I didn't want to push things and be too in her face about it. My mistake again. It's hard for me to get so detailed about things because I don't want to hurt anyone or make things uncomfortable or maybe I'm also afraid of hearing things I don't want to.
Truly, truly trying harder every day to be more *honest.* I know how important it is. Trying to find that sweet spot between complete honesty and gentleness/caring. Making my way through, trying to figure it out... Makes me think of another thing my therapist has said to me that I struggle w the concept of caring vs care taking. It's hard for me to separate what's "right" to do and what I am holding back on or sacrifices I make to protect my loved ones, that in actuality might not be the best thing for any of us.
Again it's shoved in my face how crucial honesty and communication is. I was under the impression our boundaries were freed up after she slept with someone else and the way she came to me and explained things last week. I hung out with a guy I like this weekend, just as friends. She came home later with another friend and we all hung out. She could sense the attraction and energy between him and I and got upset.
She pulled me aside and asked what was going on, did we do anything, etc. This is the same guy she was upset about a month or so ago because I kissed him. Our agreement at that time was kissing and touching is allowed with other people, so I went for it. When I told her about it the next day she was mad because I didn't discuss it with her first. Even though that wasn't something she had originally told me she needed. Frustrating. So that's when it changed to "no making out with guys."
So back to this weekend. Nothing went on between him & I, but we both wanted to. When she confronted me she said "didn't you tell him I'm not okay with that?" I told her I did but I was under the impression things had changed.. She said no... That all she meant is she is accepting me being with my boyfriend, but not other guys. I tried to ask why that is and she just said she isn't comfortable with it, but she's working on it.
I think she is trying to be fair, but it's hard for me to trust that after the whole back and forth we went through with me having sex with my boyfriend. It's hard for me to know what "I'm working on it" means, or what kind of expectations I should have for that. I know I need to be asking HER these things, but I'm the kind of person that really needs to have all my thoughts laid out first before saying anything. Also I have no idea wtf I'm doing so some clarity or validation would be nice.
I'm scared too, because.. I have been building a friendship with this guy and there is an obvious very strong attraction between us. I'm trying to keep my distance emotionally as much as I can as to not cross any lines.. but then sometimes I say why?? Like what I was saying before, I deeply desire fully experiencing my connections with people, and we obviously have a connection. I don't know... It freaks me out. I never thought I'd really be interested in anyone else very much just because I am kept pretty busy with two relationships and my life and never thought I'd have the time to even think about another person like that.
But I feel like my heart and my mind have opened up a lot lately. Idk how to put my finger on it or describe it but I feel a huge shift and change inside me. This is the happiest, calmest, clearest and most confident I've ever been in my life. I don't want to fuck anything up or jump the gun on this positivity, but I can't help but think if things seem so great and the people I've been surrounding myself with have been bringing me so much happiness.. I can't be too far off track. As long as I'm being honest and thinking things through???? This is so confusing.