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Old 12-24-2013, 02:17 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi spookymulder,

Re:
Quote:
"Is there any problem with my communication here that you can see?"
Not that I can see ...

Re:
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"Am I wrong to feel a little hurt by her discussing at length her other relationship?"
First of all I don't personally think there's any feeling that's wrong to feel. We can choose what to do about our feelings but we can't just wave some magic wand so as to choose what we'll feel. But if your question is, "Is it reasonable to feel this way?" ... sure I think it's reasonable. You've been present for her for some time now, only to hear her obsess over this fellow and not put him behind her. You're missing your own relationship with her and are wondering when she'll ever get back to that.

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"Am I being a good partner by trying to not ignore the way I feel, and trying to discuss this with B?"
I don't see a problem with confessing to her that this is difficult for you. You can't do a lot more than that as she needs a certain amount of time to work this all out and there's probably not much of a way to shorten that time, but if you need to take time out to nurture you, you have to take that time. Don't neglect yourself for her. If she tells you to stay but your heart wants a rest, you simply tell her that you need a break and that you'll return as soon as you can.

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"Do you think that there is anything that I can do? that I can say to her? or does this seem to be out of my hands, and ball is in her court?"
For the most part the ball is in her court; you can lend a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on, but when you feel yourself being pulled down under you need to take a break and give yourself some time.

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"Are there any resources or experiences that you can share about the loss of your partner's primary partner? or about V type relationships in general? and how to be supportive of your partner's decisions?"
If you do a tag search for "V" you'll probably find a number of threads that deal with V relationships. I am not acquainted (in my own life) with the experience of a partner losing their primary partner, but I am one end in a V type relationship and I have experienced my partner venting about her husband. I used to try to give her advice, but over time I came to realize that she didn't need advice. She just needed me to hear her and sympathize. Perhaps ask questions to help her come to her own decision about what to do.

Re:
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"Any advice at all for how to continue on?"
This might be a time to consider taking a break for now. It seems to me that your partner is just keeping you around while she spends all her time talking to her primary. I wonder if she wouldn't be able to do that just as well without keeping you on hand like a waiter at a restaurant. Perhaps she thinks it'd be rude to dismiss you? It might be okay for you to dismiss yourself. Tell her you need to sort some things out in your own mind, while she sorts things out with her primary, and that you'll be willing to be there for her if she'll let you know if/when there's something specific she needs.

While taking this break, think about what you want long-term and if this is the relationship for you. You might even consider going on a date or two, if it seems that you and your partner are bound to split up anyhow -- even if it's a temporary split. What I'm trying to get at (reiteration time here) is you need to take care of you. I think you've been trying very hard to take care of her which is great, but it might also be good for her to take care of herself for a little while.

---

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"I feel anxious that there isn't very much room for me, because she brings him up so often when we've been trying to create our own relationship. Is this my own jealousy? or is this commonplace to feel?"
I'm sure it's "normal" enough, if being normal is what matters here. As for whether this springs out of jealousy, only you can answer that.

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"Does this feeling of overcommunication and exhaustion fall square on my shoulders?"
It does not (IMO).

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"Does anyone have any tips on the best way to bring this up, maturely and calmly and so that it can be an open conversation that feels free of blame?"
The best way I know of is to schedule a sit-down where you and she can both share with each other your thoughts and feelings about your relationship. But I'm not sure if she's ready to hear such things, even in that type of a setting. You'll have to make your own judgment call, and tread carefully if you do decide to have this discussion with her. Otherwise I'd wait until she is in a better headspace regarding her primary.

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"Any tips?"
There are no tips that I know of for this type of situation. The best you can do is lend a listening ear, and take time-outs when you need to.

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"Any stories/experiences?"
Have you considered visiting the Life stories and blogs board? You could journal your own thoughts and feelings, as well as reading those of others.

I have heard of this type of situation before, and honestly, the passage of time seems to be the only cure for it. That's why I say, don't just stand by while your stomach's in knots over this. Give yourself some space and clear your head.

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"Anything I can go on here?"
I just wouldn't try so hard to fix her problem for her. This is a problem that really only she and her primary can sort out.

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"Am I wrong or asking too much?"
If you are asking her to be more present for you, you are not wrong, nor asking too much necessarily, but the sad fact remains that she may not have the wherewithal to truly be there for you right now. That's why I suggested taking a break from the relationship for a spell, while she concentrates on her primary, until that situation has petered down to a dull roar. But you'll have to make the call as to what you can endure, what you want to endure, and whether she could stand to be on her own for a little while.

You needn't abandon B, but just make sure you are taking care of yourself too.

Regards,
Kevin T.
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