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Old 12-24-2013, 12:59 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Olympia, Washington
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Greetings Thingsihaveloved,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

If you'll forgive me throwing another label your way, I'll assume that this seeming preference your man has for this new woman is because of NRE (New Relationship Energy). You could call it the "honeymoon phase." It tends to wear off after several months or a year or two, but while it's around it's intoxicating and can impair judgment. Your man isn't realizing how this is affecting you because he's so caught up in the excitment of this new-and-shiny thing.

About the best you can do is schedule a sit-down where you and your man (and you might consider including the other woman too) have time away from the cares of the world to talk about various thoughts and issues that arise in your relationships. In the early stages of an open or poly relationship, in fact, I suggest starting with a once-a-week sit-down. Doing so will give you an opportunity to let him (and her) know that it's making things difficult for you to have them start without you, and that you need to establish some guidelines at least for the time being.

Of course to be fair you have to be willing to listen to what they have to say in a fully engaged way, without using their turn to talk as an opportunity to form a good response. If anything, your initial response would be to repeat back to them what they just said in your own words and make sure you understand correctly. Then address their concerns as needed before stating your own thoughts and feelings. Hopefully by setting this good example you'll find that they'll soon follow suit.

It's hard to share your vulnerable feelings when you just want him to want you and you don't feel like he does. But give him a chance to show you he cares by revealing how hard certain things have been on you. Again remember he is flooded with pheromones right now, and not thinking clearly. He needs a wake-up call as he isn't being as attentive to you as he should be. Don't say it as, "You should be doing such and such;" just say that, "This is really hard for me when this happens," and ask for a set of boundaries at least for now that would stave off that initial ick.

I think if you do a search (tag search better yet) for NRE you will find a lot of people's stories that testify this type of thing is often a problem in the early stages of the poly relationship. Don't worry too much about it as it's not that your man is less interested in you per se, it's just that a force of nature has overshadowed his mind.

I hope we can be of help for you, and I'll be willing to chime in whenever you need some advice or support.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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