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Old 12-23-2013, 09:00 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 13,335

Greetings curiouscats,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I am concerned about the regrets your wife has for telling the truth. Honesty is never a valid cause for regret, and in fact without honesty a poly relationship can't be conducted (and the attempt will fall apart). These are principles that should be self-evident. You shouldn't have to prove anything to your wife. And, I feel like she is implying that if you don't start capitulating to all of her wishes without complaint, she'll stop telling you the truth. I hope that's not true but if it is, it doesn't bode well. You, too, need to be able to be honest, such as about your true feelings about things. If you feel left out, it's not your job to pretend like everything's fine.

I can appreciate just wanting things to go smoothly and not put everyone through a bunch of fuss. But fusses become hard to avoid when you're in the early stages of forming new relationships with people (or transitioning from platonic to romantic relationships). It can take a year or two or more before "forming" and "storming" give way to "norming."

Now, if you can avoid emotional entanglements and keep things very light, only getting together for fun (casual sex), then you can stave off that early relationship drama. However, as unfortunate as it may be, you are already feeling things about these new relationships, things that have little if anything to do with sex. That sounds like the beginning of a relationship to me. Unless you just cut the romantic ties with this other couple, you will need to resign yourself to the hard work that new relationships entail.

I think it'd be wise to start having sit-down conversations, probably once a week, some with just your wife and some with all four adults sitting together to talk about fears and concerns (and positive thoughts and feelings). Good communication is so vital to the success of a poly relationship, that you need to get a lot of practice at communicating. That practice is part of what the sit-downs are for. They're also for the purpose of tending to hurt feelings before they grow into resentments and then a building pressure under the pressure cooker lid. Without some outlet for those accumulated feelings, the pressure cooker will eventually explode, and that won't be good for anyone.

If you have a sit-down once a week, then I think you can put hurt (or even just nervous) feelings on hold until the next sit-down. Hearing how you feel might be easier for your wife if she knows that the "bad news" won't be raised at just any old time, but rather that she can prepare herself to hear it at the specific time that the two/four of you have agreed upon. During the sit-down, each person should have a chance to air any concerns (and encouragement) that they have, with the other person/s quietly and carefully listening. Then the couple/group can brainstorm about ways to get each person's wants and needs met.

I would also spend a good amount of time reading and studying various threads on this site. Consider encouraging one or more of the other adults to do so also. It might also be helpful if you journal your thoughts and poly experiences. We have a Life stories and blogs board designed specifically for that purpose. And, as new thoughts, questions, and concerns arise, you can post them on the Poly Relationships Corner or other board as appropriate. I myself am usually good about keeping up on the intro board, so anything you post in this thread will be heard and responded to by me for sure.

I hope you'll be able to navigate these new waters with the help of your fellow members on Polyamory requires a dedication seldom seen in other relationships, but if you hang in there, I think you'll find that it's very much worth the effort.

Kevin T., "official greeter"


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