thank you for your input, bookbug. i'm very glad to have learned of your experiences, i feel more energetic towards communicating with B. the best thing that i gleaned from your post is that it's worth the struggle if you care about someone. i know it takes hard work, sometimes slow and painful work, but good work too, and i have to hope that i will be able to have a semblance of that in my own relationship. i know that life doesn't always give you a fair hand, and watching your partner go through a hard time in love, while you're still around, is challenging. it's very hard for me to watch B go through this, but with putting my own ego aside and listening more, i hope we can continue to grow in our relationship.
if anyone is still reading, i'm still unsure how to communicate what my boundaries are in hearing about her relationship with T. there is a definite stomach churning feeling that comes on inside of me when she constantly references him. to clarify, this is when we do things together that are separate from him and new, not when she just mentions their relationship. i understand a healthy amount of dialogue about T (she loves him, and I support that with no question at all), i am just unsure what a good scale is, because we must be able to build our relationship apart from him. even before their break up, i have dreamt that he was a figure standing over me that is inhibiting my growth close to B (i rely on my dreams for subconscious clarity sometimes). i have never faltered in understanding that he comes first in her heart as primary, but i expect some reference to equality and separateness. i feel anxious that there isn't very much room for me, because she brings him up so often when we've been trying to create our own relationship. is this my own jealousy? or is this common place to feel?
for example of a situation, about a month ago, pre break up. i was with B when she became stressed out about her workload. she becomes physically ill and upset, almost manic and starts hyperventilating, and as i am trying to diffuse the situation and offer my support to her, she said "you should ask T how to deal with me when I am like this". this threw me off, as our relationship is separate from theirs and T has offered no communication between us about the relationship, so i respected that, and when i tried to communicate with her about this statement of hers, she apologized and said "well he knows me the most". there have been many situations like this (a few nights where B and I fell asleep and her last thoughts spoken out loud were of T. and another when we talked of taking a specific trip in the future and her exclaiming that she already has plans with T to do it, etc). I believe that I have been understanding and empathetic and tried my best to give them their separate space and time to get used to things. (neither of them have any experience with open or poly relationships, and i do).
however, i am still very new to the V hinge type relationship, and even newer to the deterioration of it with someone else's primary, does this feeling of overcommunication and exhaustion fall square on my shoulders? does anyone have any tips on the best way to bring this up, maturely and calmly and so that it can be an open conversation that feels free of blame? i don't want to blame her for my feelings, i understand that i am responsible for them, i just want to brainstorm and perhaps make a list of my boundaries and my feelings that i can present so that i don't feel like i am paving over my emotions and pushing them down. i am a sensitive virgo ruled by mercury, the planet of communication, and i don't feel that it's entirely within me not to try.
i know that i am in a period of upheaval here, and that most of the action has been decided without me, and i must (forgive my analogy) ride the waves if i want to continue my relationship. i'm just the kind of person that benefits from discussion and conversation, and i can't bring it up to my friends (as most are her friends too) or my family (because they don't know that i am poly). any tips? any stories/ experiences? anything i can go on here? am i wrong or asking too much?
Last edited by spookymulder; 12-23-2013 at 08:32 PM.
Reason: edited so that i could add more explanation.