Ah, nycindie - thanks. I appreciate your perspective, and also taking the time to speak my own words back at me.
Grotto's surprised himself at how bruised he still is about this. He wanted to get over it, but he hasn't. That's part of it.
Another aspect is how things have actually grown between Lobe and I. How I've been feeling about it, and how this has impacted on the dynamics of other relationships. It's like there's another major complexity to the weather system. None of us expected how this would affect other things.
Other triggers could be how Grotto's been using substances recently. He said he's maybe been a bit too careless around some things and needs to take better care of himself. I've found him to be quite volatile of late - but it's hard to tell what's causing what.
Also, I think he expected that I would come back to this city and it would all be better. But I've found it hard to adjust. My work hasn't been too great, and I haven't been in love with the city this time around either. Grotto hates the thought of me leaving again.
Mm. I need to have more patience and gentleness towards Grotto, but I'm finding it hard. Spending time with him, in certain moods, is difficult... I feel like he's pulling me down into a hole with him. The other day, walking with him, I felt like I was a can on a string that he was dragging behind him.
I don't want to be unwell. I have to take care of my mind. I believe this is a good kind of selfish.
Grotto's talking about going to the doctor and asking about getting on anti-depressants again. He asked me to go with him, and I said I would. Mm, I'm not the greatest at supporting other people through depression. It can trigger me feeling like shit too, and then I need space. I do my best, though... ah.
Even if it was an accident, I've knocked him over, and I need to help him up as far as I can. It's not just up to him.
That said, much of the work that needs to be done - as nycindie said - are things that only Grotto can do.
I am sorry that I've made him have to spend so much energy working through this. It can't be much fun at all.
When Grotto's feeling hurt, he can throw some hard verbal punches. Sometimes, I feel like he's painting me into a corner. Making it so there's no way out but how he needs me to be.
He's a kind, reasonable person. I don't understand how this works. It brings out bad things in me. Makes me feel pretty useless.
"How can you be like this?" he asks me.
I dunno, love, this is how I am.
He's hurting, I'm hurting too. Fuck, I'm sick of this. I hope we can work through it, but I'm considering where my limits are.
Ok, gonna cook dinner! Kitchen therapy