Turns out I might not say "I'm sorry" that often. I say it when I feel bad that I've done / omitted something, but I think that's usually when I feel culpable. Like, I made a mistake and I could have done better, in the same situation.
I haven't said an unqualified "sorry" for what happened with Lobe.
From Grotto's perspective: he told me this would hurt him. He told me not to. He begged me.
What I did: assumed it wouldn't hurt him as bad as it did (or at least, trusted that he'd get over it?), prioritised my own feelings, went ahead and did it anyway. For all intents and purposes, cheated on him. (Even though I didn't promise to respect this boundary).
Why don't I feel sorry?
I was in a mood and a headspace plus a situation that I didn't plan (in fact, did my best to plan against)... Looking back, I don't know how much differently I could have acted. I appalling misjudged shit (which I've said I'm sorry for) but what Grotto needs to hear is a simple apology. "I'm sorry, I hurt you, I did a shitty thing."
I can't say that! It doesn't feel sincere.
He needs me to feel that. He's said it's disturbing, even, that I can't say that.
I... am back reading the same articles online that I read when it happened at the start. Am I a sociopath? Do I have no capacity for remorse? Am I such a selfish bitch that I can't feel for other people? Am I so stubborn that I can't say I'm sorry?
And yet, what I think has happened here is Grotto has been (understandably) hurt, a lot, by what happened. But what happened for him is not what happened for me... I know it's like letting myself off the hook (?) but what it boils down to for me is miscommunication, misunderstandings and really, fucking, bad timing rather than me actively doing shit to trample over Grotto's feelings.
I'm frustrated. I feel we're fighting with words.
He's sifted through his emotions, and one of the sticking points for him is my lack of apology. What he needs, he says, is to hear me say sorry. He can't heal without that.
It all sounds utterly fair enough.
And yet, I feel like what's hurt him is wanting things he can't have. Like me to be perfect. Like me to always be able to behave exactly how he tells me.
He says this experience has deeply shaken his trust in me. He can't believe that I care about his feelings at all.
When I hooked up with Lobe, Grotto felt like I "erased" him, that I stopped giving a shit about how he felt.
Yeah, that happened. Of course that happened. At some point in the night, I no longer cared how my actions would affect Grotto, I just went with it because it's what I wanted. I couldn't help myself.
"I couldn't help myself"?
Am I a terrible person?
I don't know. I try to behave with integrity. Or at least, I aspire to.
I'm tending towards being quite numb right now, fundamentally unsure of myself, afraid to be because maybe I'm no good, at the core.
Grotto turned up at 1am wanting to talk. I hung out with him for about four hours... The conversation spiralled to this point (my lack of apology) and got stuck there. I couldn't handle it; I asked him to leave.
I know he's hurting. But I feel like I can't give him what he needs.
I'm not sorry for behaving the way I did.
I'm sorry that it hurt him.