I just dropped Mono off at his favourite place to drink a coffee before going to the companion job he has with a woman of 95. I'm freaking out a little. I'm not sure why as things have settled between us and for the most part I have stopped looking for signs of deceit. I went into the grocery store next to the shop and when I came out I could see him through the window on his phone. I know he needed to call about a computer job he is doing tomorrow, I know he has friends and a private life but that still very sore place inside me split open again.
I'm tired. Tired off that wound. The scar thickens each time it breaks open without my wanting to.
I don't have anywhere else to put this feeling but here so please bear with me. Most of the time I'm happy.
Sorting through what to do in our house is hard. PN wants out, I can feel it. I know it but he stays for our boy. We all do. It's not horrible... just feels trapping. He and I fight for space and autonomy and we give it where we can but my stuff is split in two parts of the house. Dressing in his room before going to work is akward, privacy in the bathroom is an issue, food is slowly being split up as he moves to different choices from me. I sense his loneliness sometimes and at other times he's happy when he comes home and I don't know why. We chat and have fun and spend time together but there is a marked change.
The other night he and LB got into an accident and I felt different about it where he was concerned. I love him very much but while I was desperate to hold my child afterwards I was content to just hear PN was okay.
His effort to know about me and my life has kept us apart. He doesn't fill the best friend roll any more. There is a lack of caring that used to be there between us. I'm wondering what happens next. For now I have agreed to make another step and move my clothes from his room into an armoire in the hall. Great, I get to dress in our diningroom. I recent that he gets the big master bedroom and I get a tiny room in the basement suite with Mono. Mono and I share it now. The bed anyway.
I have no moments of certainty. Perhaps it's the end of my naivity forever? Maybe doubt is a better answer as a way to live. I wonder sometimes if I will ever trust entirely again. I used to open my heart fully and let people dive in. I realized just now as I drove Monos truck to a parking lot on the other side of the city that I don't do that any more. I let them stick to my heart and can shluff them off when I find a reason. Am I damaged? Am I going to always be like this? Is that healthy?
When I imagine what an open heart would look like it reminds me of my art school days when I painted paintings of hearts with wings open and exposed arms out at the sides shining off the canvases. Now the paintings would be of a balloon like solid muscle protected by a thick skin layer. On top of it layers of other people close to me. It feels right and safe but it's such a huge change I feel toppley and like my head spins.
Just one solid relationship that I love and trust. Still my goal. I will be content with that. If that is just me so be it but I oh so don't want to end up only trusting myself.
Meanwhile I have new friends. Some soild old ones that I will never part with on my heart and many new plans for myself and my future. I invite Mono to join me and he is on board. We sat yesterday at the spot by the ocean we spent many tearful fearful moments and I said to him I thought we were passed our troubles and that I felt a clean slate was before us. Nothing left undone. All troubles sorted through. He said he had been there for monthes. I told him I still need to catch up.
Happy Solstice. I'm so glad the year is over.
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