Nutty week: emotional and physical exhaustion
This has been the most intense Christmas week ever. And it's not done.
My in-laws came into town. They have a lot of money, so we get treated to nice restaurants, but they can be exhausting for me emotionally. In fact, I've had endless emotional challenges this week, The reason they are challenging is because they act incredibly restrained and they highly expect everyone else to act restrained. This is difficult for me, and difficult for my son.
My husband finally came out to them and said that we have an open marriage. They had met his girlfriend last year for dinner (not knowing she was his GF). His mother, who is very French (in her mind) said that she kind of knew. His father did not react at all. We had dinner last night and I was so nervous. I was having an anxiety attack and could barely breathe. I was so afraid they were going to reject me/ reject us. They did not.
I had been annoyed at GF the day before. She has (what I view) a very akward way of relating to people. She bought us tickets for an experimental theatre piece. It was supposed to be a surprise, but she just texted husband the evening before and said, meet me at the theatre. I felt my boundaries had been crossed because I didn't have any warning - or asking if I was available- I didn't really have a babysitter. I just felt like free person asks not free person to do something the last minute. I wrestled for hours with whether I should go. I also, by this time, was having a pretty serious cold and this mysterious itching which covers the entire top of my body. Ultimately, I decided to go. I was kind of proud of myself for just sucking it up and going,
At the thing, I ran into one of my wild gay friends. We were waiting and screwing around when I ran into this other poet who always acts very snotty. She asked how I was and it came out (from me) that I had been fucjing this guy she knew. It is the time of releasing secrets. It is the time of letting go.
Meanwhile, last week, I spoke to my married friend. My sort-of ex, the one I am having such a hard time getting over. He was kind of cold to me. Or maybe it just felt that way. At this point, I am doing all the reaching out. He responds hesitantly. I compulsively tell myself the story of what is happening. I think well, he's met someone else to tell his problems to - or he's hesitant because I've pushed him away so many times. But, the story doesn't help. I erased every email he ever sent. I erased all his contact info. It is incredibly painful, but I need a clean break.
I feel to a certain degree that I am utterly falling apart. Many friendships died or slowed down considerably in the past year. I have four (or more) intense friendships that have ended or changed. One of these people I have been friends with for 30 years. The others 20 years, 12 years, 15 years. Two of these people cut me off. One of them, I know why. The other I do not. The other two have not ended. I am just backing away. What is happening is that I am going through menopause. I am having to shed relationships that do not help me anymore. What have these relationships been? Well, much like with my parents: people who are borderline abusive. They are narcissists who only have their own concerns in mind. They aren't able to take the step beyond their needs to see other's needs as well _ I include my married friend in this. I, myself, am a little self-obesesed - who isn't but I think I would hard to see the desires of others.
Meanwhile, there are the boys from CL - who are these guys? Well, there is one I won't meet because he's married. Of course, he's the most dependable and consistent. I was talking to this stranger (John) in a joking manner back and forth. But then he got kind of mad because I didn't give him, my phone number. The disability thing is weird. I know I'm not dealing with it in the right way. I know that when I tell guys they will be babies and disappear, so I'm almost using it to MAKE them disappear when they are annoying me. This isn;t right. I should just say, you know, you are being weird. To make them disappear with the declamation feeds into the system that they have a reason to disappear, that there is something wrong with my disability - and there is not. It is organic and I am sexy and beautiful. I think I am not quite moving from the place that I am a sexy worthwhile person and these guys are lucky to talk to me. Not in a snobby way - but what I mean in ANYONE is lucky to talk to ANYONE else who is smart and loving and generally a good person.
My question: how to relate to boys from a platform of strength - as I sit in bed full of hives, nursing a cold that only means my emotions are at work through the body.