Fireside nap time.
The snow outside is layers of lace, delicate and beautiful. Everything looks so clean, so soft and pure. My little dog is tuckered out from a morning spent climbing a mountain, and so in truth am I. It was a beautiful hike and nice to have almost the whole area to ourselves; a few other die hard hikers and a few dogs to make mine dance and sing with joy, but all in all, peaceful. This particular trail has decorated trees; hikers bring ornaments and string them up along parts of the mountain. It's cheery and beautiful, and the crunch of snow under my boots as we alternately walked and ran brought sweat trickling down between my breasts, and my breath to a steady pace of panting at the steeper inclines. I love my hiking friends; this one is taller than most and has an incredible pace. He likes to bring a stopwatch, and talk to various trees. INFPs are interesting folks. We have these insanely esoteric conversations, and the moral fortitude on these folks is staggering. Down the mountain was a tad slippery, but more fun than containing any element of danger. Back into the car, our moist jackets fogging up the windows, my little Shiba's nose hopefully pressed up against the window, asking me to roll it down - too cold, wee one, too cold.
Home to a quiet and empty house, a far cry from last night, I had a long soak in a super hot bath with two fingers of Jager in an ornate glass. Talked on the phone with my favourite ex girlfriend for the better part of an hour. I love her, and am so proud of how far she has come since leaving her partner and making her own life. He was a bit of a DB; sweet enough, but selfish and a mysoginist when you got right down to it.
Lovely lunch, and now a fire crackling in the fireplace and a massive cup of mint tea. One of the roomies came home and is busy napping; I think I might do the same before heading out to a get together at a girlfriend's house. If I go - I am feeling the need to hang by myself a bit - will see how it goes once I wake up.
Last night was.... amazing. House tidied and ready for company, Lily arrived and settled down with a glass of wine on the couch with me. She is every bit the fun loving and beautiful woman that she has always been; we shared some big laughs, sipped and caught up. I am so happy to see her so in love - they are building a life together and it makes me so happy for her. Simultaneously a little sad that my own love like that tanked so hard, but she knows all about that, and when she slipped her fingers through mine it brought a smile back to my face. Roomies joined us, and sooner than later we were all heading down to the hot tub. They disappeared and left us on the couch, and our eyes locked. Her mouth was soft and full on mine, the click of her teeth on mine until I remembered how we used to kiss. I was wet almost instantly; I have been fully pent up for weeks, and forgot about the connection that her and I have. Her hair has gotten so long, and I wound it around my fist, other hand cradling the soft curves of her sides as we devoured each other's mouths. Sexy. Sexy. Sexy. Her warm eyes locked on mine and we lay there; desire is a beautiful thing. We headed down to a hot tub full of giggles, rolling in the snow and telling stories. I wore my new Sou'Wester hat I had built for me, and loved the juxtaposition of that and a bikini. Hilarious.
We talked about the breakdown of my marriage. "Good riddance" is all that she had to say about Elemental. He has made her narrow her eyes for a very long time; a clear indication that she is not impressed. She and he actually dated individually during our time when we were a triad - she was hands down the only woman who truly respected our marriage - those other girls were just in it for themselves. Elemental always said she wasn't really present with him - she always told me how much she enjoyed her time with him, but that she felt like he was only into women who gave him absolute adoration and an almost fawny devotion. I could see that, for sure.
We headed upstairs and slipped into a couple of my comfy jersey dresses; we are a similar size and oddly, my hair is the same as when I met her, and hers is the same as mine then too. We've traded 'dos, so to speak. I lit candles and put on music and we lay down side by side, talking about love and our lives. She kissed me, and soon we were a tumble of limbs and mouths, our breath quick, the insane softness of her form lithe and utterly sensual under my fingers. It was blissful and hypnotic, and some time later we were both satiated and still, her cheek on my shoulder, arms and legs wrapped around her to draw her in and hold her beautiful femininity in my slim and strong arms. I had forgotten about the ladies; aside from Copper, who was sweet, but not that interesting in bed, it has been a very long time since I shared intimacy with a woman. We slept soundly and I woke to rub her back ever so softly, massaging her shoulders and getting us coffee to drink in bed. She laid kisses on my flank and we talked for the better part of an hour before getting ready for our days.
She wants to date me. I would love to see her and see what is there with her. She has always been a point of desire for me, and her easy, gentle way and lack of expectation of outcome is wonderful. I like her man, and have yet to meet her lady, but imagine that will all come together if we continue to see each other. I want to be very conscientious about not burying myself in anything, or using this as a distraction from the work that I am doing on myself. I asked her if I should go to Spain and she actually got a little miffed with me. She had nothing but questions as to why I WOULDN'T go!?
It is time to start my life again. Elemental is ready to move on, and leave this marriage behind. I truly wasn't, still am not in many ways, but how long can I keep dragging this corpse around in my heart, hoping that it might come to life again? It's ridiculous, really. He could have made this right hundreds of times. He only finds reasons for us to be apart, only finds the ways that I have failed him and focuses on them. So why self-flagellate? Why would I not explore connections and move forward with my life?
I do want to be single, and have time to myself. I no longer want to invest so much in primary partnerships. Had Elemental and I worked things out I would have been monogamous to him, and only him. Now I am not sure what I want. I know that I love partnership, but after the debaucle of Elemental feeling so entitled, I doubt I will ever live with a partner again; I have worked incredibly hard to build equity and security for myself and I will never trust the word of a man again. Binding legal contracts are the only way to go if I am going to cohabit; I have learned my lesson from the disgusting way that he is behaving. My parents both are sickened by it.
I am so excited and curious about my future. Where will I be in a year? Who will I be loving? Where will I be living? It's going to kick some ass, I know that for sure - looking forward to seeing it all unfold. In the meantime.... nap.
Where you go... there you are.
Me: 35. TD, 43, my monogamous beau. Lily: 31, my lady/lover, in two other relationships. Mahogany: 38, my girlfriend, in one other relationship. Elemental: 44, my ex husband.
Last edited by BaggagePatrol; 12-22-2013 at 12:21 AM.