Peaceful for the moment
Last night was so hard.
Stayed up until after I had fallen asleep at the computer. Went to bed & didn't even bother getting undressed.
He never did message goodnight, and I was thankful not to be reminded.
I did message good morning & all the loving reassurances he seems to need of how I feel. he responded he loved me. But I am hurting.
Even forcing myself to see him as FWB, I just couldn't cope if I were to think of him in terms of partner or even as a "Steady" boyfriend... though he is my one and only and I offer him all that I have.
This morning still shaky. Then I saw him tagged in some pics being silly and loving. And just knowing that I couldn't even be a fly on the wall to enjoy his happiness, it sent me into a sobbing breakdown. I can get to the point of being OK that I am whole without and on my own, but those reminders when I want us to share a full life. Damn mono thinking, I'm broken.
So to cope, I messaged and told him not come this weekend. "Please don't come this weekend, let me get to a point where I can cope with being along for Christmas instead of the freshly raw letdown that comes every time you leave and it takes so much time for me to recover." I did not do this to hurt him. I know he thinks of me and misses me when he is away.
He was hurt.
He chooses to leave me every time. And here, when I do choose to not be with him simply to protect my heart - perhaps that possible hurt and rejection is how I feel every time he does go. - I try to be happy for P that he has a home and love without me, because he does and I do not want him to give any of that up.
Dammit, I dont think I can handle this emotional roller coaster replayed over and over and over right now, I want at least Christmas to be a more even keel for me.
Even now, I feel more peaceful, knowing that I won't have to try to cope regaining that space where I am OK with just knowing he is happy and I am whole on my own - because I am and not just because I have to be. There would not be enough time for me to get there emotionally for time with my family on Christmas day, and I REALLY want to enjoy that day of connection with people who love me.
Dammit, I forgot to remind him the offer of showing up at the family event was still open. I know he won't - he will have the kids visiting. But I want him to know I didn't change that offer as well. So I will message & remind him & ask that if he doesn't not to let me know so I do not feel the rejection and if he does to just show up, not telling me so I don't anticipate and be let down if it doesn't happen.
Time to load car so I can drop off the gifts for his kids & wife so they have them to open Christmas day. Today is my best chance to do it with the big storm rolling in.
I am whole on my own.
I love P, but I am protecting my heart
If he chooses to feel rejected, it is his choice - just as it is my choice to feel rejected every time he chooses to leave me. I own my feelings of rejection - he does not reject me, I choose to feel rejected and can work to find emotions to replace those.