Glad to be back home in Maryland!
I had an emotional visit with M on Wednesday. I was so stressed out on Tuesday because we realized that we can't get together the next two Wednesdays, because they are holidays. I offered him my schedule, with lots of availability, and he was iffy on a lot of it. He said he would talk with H and work out a schedule. Unfortunately, he came to me on Wednesday with zero work done, which did not help my anxiety AT ALL.
M actually had me in tears during the afternoon. Tuesday I had been anxious about scheduling, but on Wednesday I set out on my drive home feeling very upbeat and positive about seeing him. I was really focused on making it home in time to pick him up, even though we normally connect in the morning, and there was no way with such a long drive I would make it there prior to 4 pm. As the drive progressed, I was unsure if I would be in the frame of mind as to whether I would need a break to stop home and shower first, or just be gung-ho to keep going and go grab him. We were texting and he told me why was I even bothering because it would just be for a few hours anyway.
Yeah, feelings hurt! I couldn't believe he said that. Especially since I was already stressed about possibly not seeing him over the holidays, to just skip this week too?! This exchange and thought did not make me feel safe, secure or loved AT ALL. And then, when I did get there and picked him up, to find out that he still had no idea when I would be seeing him again, I just felt very dismissed and marginalized. I told him how all of this was synergizing together to making me feel discounted. He told me that I was a priority, and always am. That made me feel a lot better, but of course after the fact, I am now questioning that statement. I guess we will see how things shake out over the next two weeks - how much time he does make for me.
It just feels like I absolutely do make him a priority and make lots of time for him, and though he says he will do/does the same, it doesn't often materialize. Which is why my relationship just feels very sad on my end, a great deal of the time.
All that said, it was a nice visit. He tried to get me to open my Christmas presents, but I refused to do it so early. He did have me open a Tshirt - What does the fox say?! and I let him open the shirt I had bought him. We wore our new stuff to trivia that night. We were part of a white elephant gift swap after, and that was fun.
We are both invited to a fancier Christmas party Saturday night, which I thought would be a good thing, because we could see each other then, have a sleepover, and then maybe connect the following Thursday or Saturday, to kinda work around the holiday Wednesday. He said he wasn't interested in the party and so I wouldn't be seeing him. So, yeah. I didn't hear from him last night about the schedule, and nothing yet today.
I got invited to a cocktail party with a bunch of my friends tonight so I am now going to go to that and try not to think about him maybe choosing to not see me over the next couple of weeks.
I have a date with A on Sunday to go see the new Hobbit movie. I have kinda held off on deciding whether that will be a lunch or dinner date, because I am trying to keep time available for M. Hopefully he gets back to me soon with a schedule, so I can cement my own!
Oh, and I am slightly worried about A getting me a Christmas gift. It seems a little early on in our relationship to do that, but you never know. I am going to put together a 4-pack of my husbands homebrew in case he does give me something, so I will be prepared to gift back! A is a microbrew lover, so it seems appropriate. D's winter warmer is rumored to be delicious! Lol
A modern day polyamorous polygamist My Online Journal
Me, center of a MFM V-shaped polycule (39F)
Wife to DarkKnight (40M) & PunkRockAwesomesauce (42M)