Originally Posted by YouAreHere
So now I'm in a new "partner/BF" quandry of my own.
I guess it isn't new... it's come up over and over again when I'm struggling with something: the home improvement projects, the mold in the basement, the leaky bulkhead, the wood stove. I thought it was simply feeling overwhelmed when I don't know how to handle something. Wanting him to be there to help. Thinking that a partner should be able to be counted on in those moments. And that led to some discussions about independence (which I DO want, and value - I WANT to learn the nuances of that wood stove, dammit... I DO want to be proficient with a hammer and say that I can take on <x> project myself), and he doesn't want to jump in and rescue me.
Do I ratchet us down from 'partners' to something else in my head?
Then see my above mono/poly thing... I'll effectively be taking him out of my heart as my partner if I do that, and my relationship with him will be... what? Will it EFFECTIVELY change? Probably not right away. Will it emotionally change for me? Definitely. Why? Because I want that partner. I want to share my life, my load (and their load!) with someone. And if I make the conscious effort to say that this isn't what I have, then I will probably eventually go looking, and that WILL change our relationship, our intimacy level.
Or do I rewicker that definition of 'partner' again for myself?
Feels like yet another compromise, but if this is going to work, it may be what I have to do.
So much of what you have been writing resonates with me. Asshat of an ex & unlearning so many of the reactions I was conditioned to in that marriage. Now having a partner with another partner.
Trying to define what a partnership is.
When I first broached backing off from committed partners planning their commitment ceremony to FWB, my P balked. But that is where we are now.
Trying to define what my NEEDs and WANTs are in a relationship with a poly or any person.
Please keep blogging. It is reassuring to hear of someone in the same boat.
When I was a Navy wife, we had the "Officers' Wives Club" for mutual support especially when the spouses were out to sea for extended periods of time. I wish I had the equivalent here locally for this relationship. This forum and the group on yahoo for mono-poly are the closest I have found for kindred souls.