View Single Post
Old 12-19-2013, 07:21 AM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,448

Originally Posted by hellokitty View Post
In the sense that many times I feel I am putting in so much effort to make her feel special, beautiful, happy, and the next day she says "you didn't pay any attention to me last night" :P lots of confusion with that stuff. I don't think I am spacey because people always tell me I'm considerate and caring. I think she might just need *more* which I will try to be more aware & figure out how to give it to her, but also I think her spending time becoming more independent will help her confidence.
I hear you saying you want to enrich her life by helping her get her need for love and connection met, and you feel disappointed because you don't believe you're meeting that need, even when you put so much time and effort into it.

It's important to pay attention to your own needs when you're trying to meet her needs. You can only give so much before it starts to take away from your own well-being.

Like you, I value my alone time immensely. Auto really likes to spend a lot of time with her partners, to connect often and deeply. Like you, I feel overwhelmed when my need for solitude does not get met. Early in our relationship, it became clear that these two approaches to relationships were not compatible. One of us was going to have to give. I'm the kind of person who always makes sure that meeting someone else's needs doesn't come at the expense of my own needs. Also, because she was married, it was possible for her to get her need for "constant love and connection" met by another person, whereas the only way to meet my need for solitude was to be alone.

Even if your partner is mono, she can still get her need for love and connection met outside your relationship. The human need for love does not have to be entirely filled by romantic love, and the need for connection can be met by virtually anyone, if we only take the time to reach out. In other words, it's nice when you can help fulfill her needs. Enriching life is one of the greatest satisfactions humans can obtain. But that doesn't make it your duty or responsibility to meet her needs; that responsibility is her own. If she finds that you are not capable of meeting it fully without sacrificing your own needs, then it's her task to find other ways to get her needs met.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
Reply With Quote