Thank you for all your support. LR really is hurting right now in many ways.
LR and I had a talk. Well, first we took a drive w/ Maca and kiddies and started a talk. Later LR took a walk and I tagged along because I wanted to try and understand and resolve this issue we're having.
It didn't end pretty. And I have no idea at this point what the plan is for Easter.
Some of you are right in thinking that I've been trying to allow for Maca to be there for LR. But, being in this poly relationship, I need to realize that I am just as important to LR as Maca is.
I have this real issue with worrying that I'll step on his toes. All the years they've been together, I've been the only one that supported them in their marriage all the time. Never once did I ever try to manipulate my way into a relationship with LR, never once did I try to make Maca leave, never once did I try to replace him. But I did wrong him in having an affair w/ LR. And because of that, and through all the years between then and last year when we decided to go poly, I constantly try not to make it seem that I'm pushing him out of the way, or away, or stepping on his toes.
But because I do that, it makes them both feel like I'm not giving my all. Not being 100%.
Maca gets frustrated with me bacause I don't "act" like a boyfriend. And I argue with him saying that It's difficult to be a boyfriend of someone who has a husband. And it became obvious to me that we view this differently (among many other things)...
...Finally today, LR asks me what I think the difference is between a "best friend" and a "significant other". And I never really even thought of compareing the two that way. Reason being, they are one in the same to me. Only S/O's have a romantic part of their relationship.
For years, I've claimed LR as my best friend, and I am hers. But now that we are BF/GF, there's this...expectation that I never understood, and partly still don't. I realized tonight that this is what Maca has been talking about all along. He told me a while ago that we (LR/ I) can't be "friends" anymore. It's different now. But I don't know how to have a loving relationship with someone who isn't my best friend.
I've had girlfriends in the past that were not my best friends, and I likened that to be one of the reasons it never worked out with them.
My grandparents went through many trials during their marriage, but they were always best friends. They had good friends of their own, but THEY were each other's best friends. and that is how I've always thought of a great marriage/ relationship should be. So in my mind, I didn't understand why that had to change now that LR/ I were "together".
Tonoght I was making comparisons to my other best friend Getsueh. What is the difference between my relationship with LR and my relationship with Getsueh? And other than the romantic end of it, and the fact that LR/ I are in love with each other, and Getsueh and I are NOT, though we do HAVE love for each other, there isn't any difference. Not to me.
I would die for both of them. I trust both of them. I do what I can for both of them. I'm friends with both of them. I support both of them. I give my time to both of them. They in turn have done so for me. But she is the one I care more deeply for. If they were hanging over a cliff and I had to let one of them fall, it would be Getsueh because I'm not in love with him. (And I know he'd expect me to do that)...
... LR says that there are certian "responsibilities" that a significant other takes on that a best friend doesn't. But she wouldn't tell me what any of those are, because I don't see it that way. She doesn't want to influence me to do anything that I don't think is important enough to think of myself. I can understand that.
I know that she's going through a hell of a time during her recovery. And she also knows that I am willing to be here for her 24/7 if she needs me to be. And it's not that, I want to go to my friends house so I don't have to be here for her, nor is it that I WANT to get away. (BTW, I haven't decided to go visit my friend again, I wanted to talk about it this weekend, but then other things came up).
I just have other people that I care about that I want to visit sometimes. I'm not gone for more than a day when I do.
Maybe she wants to know that I prioritize her more than my other best friend. I already feel that I do. I'm committed to this family. I stand up for this family and this relationship. I've written off members of my own blood relations, as Maca has, in order to preserve this family. But Getsueh is important to me too.
So, now I'm lost in trying to figure out what the "responsibilities" are of a S/O versus a best friend.
I love her SO MUCH. And this is killing me! I would do ANYTHING to make her happy. But what she wants is for me to deside what that is, because if she tells me, then it means nothing when I do it.
I commend Maca for bweing at her side through this time. I'm SO glad their relationship has flourished into that.
But I've been trying to be here too. I took her in my work truck (forbidden) to get her hair washed the other day. I make her breakfast in the morning (when Maca isn't home). I WAS coming out to the living room to hold her hand when MAca was waking me up as he was leaving for work in the morning, but now he doesn't do that, and he's been leaving at different times. I've been going in to work later so that I can drive her to her appointments, or be here for her until someone else comes home. I've been dealing with the kids too, same as I always do. And just a couple days ago, I was cuddled up with her in her chair and I told her how beautiful she was, and she responded by saying that she believes it when I say it because she knows I mean it and I'm not just saying it to be nice. But I wonder if, because she's depressed (as one of you pointed out) she might not be realizing that I'm here too.
I didn't know she was having this issue with me until yesterday. I thought it was because of her medication, and her frustration at being restricted. I've tried talking to her and I had no idea that there was this hidden issue.
I guess I need to try and read in here more often than I do.
If anyone out there has any advise... I'm all ears.
Thanks for listening.
It's all about priority
"...I can't live, I can't breathe unless you do this with me..."
"...Am I a part of the cure, or am I part of the disease...?"
Last edited by NeonKaos; 04-04-2010 at 11:42 AM.
Reason: merge posts