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Old 12-18-2013, 05:07 AM
Monogamish1 Monogamish1 is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: wisconsin
Posts: 42
Default Bad longing day & Google drive for expectations

Oldpolyman - how sweet. P speaks as if he was/is committed to me and his wife only, yet action/perceptions of actions speak louder than words. To have a relationship such as yours, I might be able to do poly. P's wife would never so much as make eye contact with me, much less discuss anything related to him with me.

Only twice she initiated contact directly. Once was to ask me to convince him to put down their family dog as she was emotionally unable to face it (neither was he, I had to make all the arrangements & he was kind enough to accompany me). The other was one of my bad days when I was messaging for reassurance, and after about a dozen unreturned messages over the day she messaged that he had forgotten his phone at home (I can only assume the regular pings from the messages annoyed her and she wanted it to stop.)

To have a metamour who accepted me might make it easier.

Today was a bad longing day. I was thankful for a busy work day and boxes to be sorted at home. He forgot all his electronic devices at home so there were no messages during his breaks. He apologized when he got home. This evening I reached out for reassurance and messages went unseen, I even texted once knowing when he is with me he cannot "not" at least peek at his phone when a text comes in, and still no response until just before he went to bed.

At the moment I don't know. I did so well squashing those longings & the past two days have been unbearable. I don't want him to love me, I don't want to long to share my day, the mundane tasks of life with him. I wish he were either with me or not in my life entirely.

The other day he asked if we might talk about transitioning back to partners. I told him that was along way off, I want it so freaking much, but unless we move slowly and actually address out issues - we would be back to exactly where we were. I can barely handle FWB, I don't consider hum a boyfriend - to me that denotes at least some level of commitment and potential for more, and my definition of partner precludes what he can even begin to offer for committment.

Going back to the book I mentioned two days ago.. it talks about a manager defining what the "main thing" is in a workplace (or as I see it in this context, in a relationship), and then realizing that every player has a different perception of what that "main thing" is. We need to agree on what the "main thing" is (or main things are) and be sure that we are all on the same page.

What *is* his definition of being partners, for example...

Months ago our counselor tasked us to create a set of mutually agreed upon "relationship expectations." Which we did get a start on. But when put it to "paper" (google drive document actually) and added a few more - for us to agree/disagee with initials and date or suggest revisions, he neglected to even agree to what we had already agreed upon.
Eventually, P said it was lawyerly, and he feared that even things like "XYZ expects that coffee cups shall be be put in the sink before leaving for work" might end up in it and be there forever, which was why he was ignoring it or saying we could work on it when together, except when together comes anything & everything else is more important so it never gets done and I am left frustrated. Ignore it and it will go away? Doesn't work. Just festers.

I see a relationship expectations to be fluid changing document. Not a set of edicts, but a dynamic thing, where after a while we might agree to simply delete something that no longer serves a purpose.
For example, one item we agreed upon "Meals out and activities shall be dutch treat unless expressly denoted as a gift" - is more for me, I am a giver and will share what I have until I have nothing left, this is a reminder to me that it is OK for me to say "I like to go go to this show and dinner, would you like to go with me dutch treat" rather than our previous pattern of "Would you like to go to this with me" and then I pay for tickets and dinner and drinks (because he carries no cash or I had the link available to buy) and I pay for gas (because he can never not drive with his wife) and the same for event after event until I start to feel used, even though I was the one not speaking up asking and I was the one who freely gave. I NEED that there to feel more empowered to ask for financial equality in at least that.
Of course I bought tickets for our next outside event, and he said he would stop at an ATM on his way over next visit and there have been two visits and have yet to be reimbursed his half. Shall I sit and harp over it? I'm on freaking food stamps with less than a third of his income and no partner to share in household expenses. Hell yeah it pisses me off!!!!!!!!! OK, I own it.

Tomorrow's visit is focused on out volunteer work with a sleepover he requested. He says he wants to see me again sometime over weekend, and I believe we have agreed (again) to FINALLY sit down at that visit and work on the expectations document. I WILL play domineering bitch this time and make sure it happens. And I WILL add in a suggestion of keeping a running tally (another google drive document) of expenses paid for shared activities with monthly reconciliation to the person who paid more. It feels petty to me, but unless I have a FWB/bf/partner with at least one co-mingled account - it will be necessary.
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