I don't know why I've logged on. Guess I'm just looking for somewhere to keep my thoughts together. Lots has changed since August.
I stopped posting here because through all the difficult convos I was having with FJ, I realized he was reading my posts. He may be reading this now. Who knows. I just needed to work out my thoughts without feeling like by writing them here that meant they were permanent feelings or my conclusions. We began to have very intense conversations where I laid everything on the table. Religion, not wanting any more children, our lifestyle, grief, sexuality, etc. FJ was verbally abusive and flew off the handle fairly regularly the whole month of August. It was awful. But he managed to calm down and talk rationally with me and we recommitted to working on our relationship. I was hopeful.
MD and I just sort of fizzled out. Still closest of friends, but nothing sexual or even romantic. Just too much stress, and it was a kind of natural shift that we didn't really talk about. We still talk every day and hang out often-it's just a different relationship now.
Here's the thing. October 25 I was online working on FJs business website because he had been bugging me about adding new info. I couldn't remember the password so I reset it. I called and asked him to go into his email to reset it. He was short tempered and told me he was busy and couldn't get to it. So I logged in myself (his passwords are all just variations of each other) I noticed an email in his inbox that was from Craigslist. Then I clicked on the sent emails. What I found was dozens of emails from the last couple of months soliciting strangers for sex, back rubs and pics. There was even one ad he posted on Craigslist. The emails were inviting people to play when I wasn't home. At my house. While my 5 small children were sleeping. I was furious. I kept digging and found log ins and subscriptions for fuckbook and other casual sex sites as well as cyber sex and online chat rooms that he paid for.
Quick history-8 years ago when we were super patriarchal and conservative-I found out that he had been visiting strip clubs while out of town for work. This was 2-3 days per week-he went alone and paid for lap dances. All the while he gave me hell for going out to Starbucks or indulging at chic fil a with the kids. At this time I was pregnant and had 3 children 5 and under. When I found out I pretty much blamed myself, for not taking care of his needs and we started to have sex 1-3x daily. I opened myself up sexually and determined I would fulfill his every fantasy. I went to strip clubs with him, watched porn with him, etc. I drew the line on hiring a sex worker or going to a sex club. I def needed emotional attachment to be comfortable with sexual activity. Obviously we opened up our relationship last year. Which I now feel sort of duped about. Working that out in therapy.
When I confronted him about the sex solicitations he claimed that nothing ever happened, that it was all a mind game, etc etc. fast forward two weeks and he admits to hiring a prostitute back 8 years ago when he was visiting the strip clubs. I point blank asked him that back then and he denied it. He said he couldn't perform, and so he masturbated next to her. Ugh. Then he tells me he did call an escort service here but it was too expensive so he didn't go through with it. He admitted to spending money on live chats and phone sex for this whole time. But swears nothing else has happened. He conveniently hasn't had intercourse with anyone. I find it impossible to believe that he's actually paid a prostitute and been actively looking and soliciting for 8 years, and yet hasn't gone through with it. I feel like I never knew this man. After everything we went through this last year and being open and honest and trusting-and I find out it was one sided. He has always had an emotional disconnection from me. And now I know why. I also found out he took pictures of me naked while I was sleeping and sent them to someone online. I feel like a sex object.
He is out of the house, although he comes here to be with the kids a few nights a week. I sleep at MDs 2-3 nights a week I'm the guest room. Which honestly sucks. I feel like an intruder, our friendship seems strained, and I need some space to be alone and grieve the marriage and man I thought I had. Grieve for my children, all of it. I really don't know what to do or where to go. By feel like he has killed the love I had for him. And after a lifetime of struggle with both parents as addicts-I'm almost positive that struggling through recovery with him will kill my soul. And I'm not being dramatic-it just seems impossible to me.
franchescasc-33, bi female, likely monogomish formerly in triad relationship with:
FJ-36, married 15 yrs
MD-35, gf for 8 months
Currently dating SM, male, 40, monogamous