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Old 12-17-2013, 10:03 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 2,050

Originally Posted by Azzy View Post
To update on my situation, after getting back to the (former) Secondary after a week of no contact, during which the only request I had left him with was to simply explain my relationship with him to the Newbie and get her approval or disapproval, I came back to pretty much the same situation. The Secondary basically just said that he told the Newbie that he had previously been in a "romantically involved relationship" with me. I asked whether the Newbie had indicated her comprehension and given approval for an ongoing relationship, and then he started being really vague again. He just assured me that he loves me and wants to continue being in a relationship with me, but wouldn't say anything concrete about the Newbie.

So, I decided to follow kdt26417's advice and talk to the Newbie myself. With the Primary and Secondary helping, I wrote the Newbie a short letter explaining the situation, asking her permission for me and the Newbie to continue a relationship, and asking what the Newbie's desired boundaries for my interactions with the (former) Secondary and the Primary's interactions with the (former) Secondary should be. I explained all of the terms I used and was very specific with each of the few questions I asked her.

This was more than 48 hours ago. The Newbie immediately acknowledged receipt of the message and has been completely ignoring my existence since. The Newbie didn't even mention my message to the Secondary.

I have tried to be honest, ethical, and loving, so I don't get why I deserve to be jerked around and ignored!
Repeat after me: 'This is not about me.'

You can ask for what you want in any situation. In this case, you want some clarity about if your relationship with Secondary will continue and, if so, on what grounds. But asking does not mean you will get it, or even a response.

She did let you know she got the letter. That is a response. It is not an answer. She is not obligated to answer you, as rude as that may seem. There is no obligation for her to write a fully detailed letter explaining how you and Secondary may or may not interact in the future.

Her lack of response - in the way you wanted - to your precisely worded letter may not be about you at all. Or alternatively, she may be so overwhelmed with it all, that she has withdrawn to think things over. If Secondary has been less than forthcoming (as I suspect he has), she has a lot to think over.

I urge you not to take this personally. Newbie may not be ignoring your existence as so much as wrapping her head around the situation. She might need quite some time to figure out what she wants, and how to say it to you.

(As an aside, why did Secondary help write the letter instead of just talking to his primary? That's just odd. You basically did his 'dirty' work of telling her about you for him.)

Further, I gently suggest you may be angry with Newbie in part because you are angry at Secondary. I don't know why he's been so vague. But I've found in my own life when someone is vague and non-committal like that, it is because they want to make everyone happy and not offend anyone. So they don't make a decision. This usually results in people being pissed at them anyway. But Secondary's lack of definite answers is not Newbie's fault. That's on him.

I also wonder if Secondary is being opaque because he really doesn't want you interjecting your relationship with him into his relationship with Newbie. He may not see the need to get 'permission' from her for him to continue interacting with you. Not everyone acts on the model that partners need to give permission to interact with others. A lot of people do, in one form or another, but it's not a given. I generally want to meet the people my partner is dating or may want to date but he doesn't need my permission to date. And vice versa.

But really, it seems to me that Secondary wants his romantic interactions with you and a primary relationship with Newbie, and he is not sure she would be totally ok with that. Hence the waffling.

I also hate lack of clarity and do pursue answers. Sometimes I don't get them. That drives me truly mad. But the reasons I don't get answers usually have nothing to do with me, or even with the situation. People have so much going on in their lives that we may or may not be aware of.

So repeat after me 'It's not about me.'

Last edited by opalescent; 12-18-2013 at 04:51 AM. Reason: goof fixing
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