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Old 04-03-2010, 07:35 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I know he does love me. What I think is that our ideas of level of commitment differ. Seriously.

I've very specifically told him that it really hurt my feelings that he wasn't there for my first major surgery and wanted him there for the second.
I explained that it was very important to me that even if Maca was available that he be there with me too.
I even explained the difference in what each of them does for me emotionally etc etc.

It's not that he doesn't know.

In fact we had a LONG hard talk about the 8-12 weeks of healing time that were coming after this last surgery and he was all about agreeing that both of them could and would commit to being at my side (besides working, they work opposite shifts) until I was healed.

He see's that the healing is going well, he doesn't seem to see that there is a LOT of emotional struggle for me right now due to the major limitations I still have. I AM healing well-but I still can't sleep laying less than 45 degree angle, which means I'm sleeping in the livingroom in a chair-alone. I can't bathe or shower (I did get to go to the hairdressers yesterday to get my hair washed). I can't lift anything over 5lbs. So I can't pick up my daughter, I can't be left alone with her, she's 2 and needs help getting on/off the potty, getting food, if she's throwing a fit she has to be picked up and put in time out because she flings herself flat on the floor. I can't dress her, etc.
I can't lift any of the pots/pans to make a meal. I can't go for a walk (can't push the stroller).I can't drive.
I can't "push, pull or reach for anything that requires my elbows to leave my side", I can't put my hands/arms above my head or below my waist. I can't bend over forward ( I can lean back but only to a 45 degree angle).

Anyway-those limitations are daunting enough, but the impact is that I have NO privacy. I feel isolated and lonely while simultaneously unable to "get away".


At any rate, it all erupted AGAIN because he's DECIDED that he's going to go spend the weekend with his friends in another town. He spent the first weekend after my surgery with them as well.

In hte big scheme, it doesn't change a lot. I won't dump him, we have a 17 year relationship.

But it does impact our relationship. Because I simply can't find a sense of importance in his life when he is so...... blase (not sure how to spell that sorry) about me.

Now-on the other side of things, Maca hasn't left my side but for work. He's been on top of reminding me daily how beautiful I am (even if I'm dirty as hell), how much he appreciates me (even though I can't do shit right now and all the work falls on him, my sister and GG). He's sat and held my hand as I fell asleep and he's taken a washcloth, washed the parts of my body that aren't in bandages and then shaved my armpits and legs as best as he could. Just overall trying to be helpful.

I don't know. I haven't really brought it up to GG this time. I feel like it's sort of pointless.
OBVIOUSLY there is a LOT more to the story-if you saw my other posts recently you'd probably wonder if I have 4-5 lives I'm trying to live over here!
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