Thanks & thoughts
Thanks for your kind words nycindie and YouAreHere.
I've journaled off and on for years, and rarely in one coherent place. I'm sure I will look back at these musings and wonder WTF was I thinking, or why was that such as issue for me back then. That is often the case, and reading where I was at any given time reassures me that though things may seem bleak today, there have been worse times that I muddled through and survived, stronger and wiser.
One of our friends is suddenly finding herself having to move out of her husband's family farmhouse. Whether he was snooping, she was careless, or she left it out of purpose, he hubby found her personal goal list that included leaving him. He immediately told her to pack up and skeedaddle. I'm sure it was for the best. P and I are leaning towards wondering if she left it for him to "accidentally find." We all want someone else to "make" those hard decisions we have already made but are afraid to act on. I know I have been guilty of that, and I know P has as well. It is part of being human.
Sometimes I don't want to put on my big girl panties and own to pain of my decisions. Even here and now, I'm 60% positive I would be happier in the long run if I left P behind and was open to finding a partner with whom I could have a mono-mono relationship with. But if "I" choose to leave then we both hurt now and I will once again wonder "what if" for P and I. Would that pain be any easier?
There is a story of a village ritual of everyone coming to large field and throwing their problems into the field. You can pick and choose which you leave with, and upon seeing the issues other face, most opt to take their own back home with them. I would rather face the problems I am familiar with rather than those I know nothing of.
That thinking kept me married for two decades longer. Did I waste those twenty years? What could I have done, where would I be today if...
No sense in wondering what the alternate path would have led to. I made my choices. I have some regrets. Poly is not one of them. But I made choices that were sound at the time, and having the same set information available would make those same choices again. Even hindsight is not 20/20, it is clouded by the perceptions of who we are today.
I wish this weekend were like one of the dreams Ebeneezer Scrooge had, and I could simply wake to find myself back to Friday morning. It was not the worst weekend ever, and I would probably make the same maneuvers over again.. So perhaps I'll just accept and move on.