GroundedSpirit and vandalin - I have spent a lot of time today trying to figure out where this jealousy/fear is coming from. It's really hard to pin point. I'm not afraid he is going to leave me for her. I do not think he loves her more than me. I am not jealous of what they are doing. I do have low self-esteem, which I am working on. There are times that I think she is prettier than me, sexier than me, makes him happier than I do. Not because of anything she does - but because those are all things I don't think I am or do. I understand it's my issue and I am working on it with my counselor.
The whole time they were on their overnight date - I was really good. Sure I missed him, incredibly, but I was ok. No crying, no anger, no resentment. Really. I even surprised myself. He came home, we hugged and kissed and had a nice night out. She sent me a nice text thanking me for being ok with them taking this time together, and I told her that I felt this was a turning point and that hopefully her and I could become friends.
Then, while him and I were out tonight, she sent him a few texts, and the negative feelings came back. When they are out together, I make a point NOT to text him, unless it is an emergency. Sure I would like to text him to tell him I love him or that I miss him - but I don't. I respect her and the time they spend together. I did text him today twice: once to see when he would be home so I knew if I had time to run out, and again because of something concerning the "lie" we had to tell our children as to where he was last night and this morning. That was it. He was gone 26 hours and I texted him twice. She is away from him for a few hours and texted him at least 4 times that I know. I can't imagine why she would need to. I have asked her in the past to please respect the little bit of time he is with me and the kids - she continues to text. This is when the anger and resentment started to set in. I don't like feeling like this. I don't want to feel like this. But this is a trigger for me. I have tried in the past to explain it to both of them - they don't understand why its a big deal. I do hope I get to the point that its not a trigger, but right now it is.
At times when this has happened in the past - I did get angry at him and we fought about it. I didn't do that tonight. I did make one comment when I saw him texting her back - I said "you're mine now." He explained that he was just answering her earlier texts. As far as I know there was no texting after this.
I guess that I can intellectualy understand that he loves us both, that she is in his life, and therefore mine. However, emotionally, I don't want her to be a part of it all the time. I would like to be able to spend the day with my husband without hearing about her or seeing him texting her. Do I have a right to ask that of him? He doesn't like feeling that he has to walk on egg shells around me. He says he talks about me, us and our family when he is with her and that she understands. I guess I feel that as the wife, I shouldn't have to hear about her all the time. Again, this is something I hope goes away - but I can only be honest that this is how I am feeling at this time. In the past, I would have flipped out. Today, while I'm not happy about it, I am staying calm and not allowing this to interferre in my time with my husband. For me this is a big step.
Reading the posts on here, and reading the books I ordered, is helping. But I am realistic and know that issues and emotions are still going to pop up. I'll deal with them one at a time the best I can.
He is the love of my life and my best friend - I do not want to lose him. I know that I have to understand, accept and embrace this new way of life for us - I struggle, but I will not give up! I do truly hope her and I can become friends - but right now we don't really know each other or trust each other.
Thanks again for all your advice.