Ugh, the idea of going swinging with my male partner to show him sex outside the mono couple is fun, just grosses me out. To each their own. I just don't care much for group sex, or sex with strangers, or sex without some kind of conversation/affection/non-sexual interaction first.
That said, welcome to the board, SheepMusketeer.
I feel for you. I was with a very jealous man for over 30 years (married for most of it). I knew deep down I wasn't cut out for monogamy when I married him, but it was 1978, the only non mono model I had was swinging, so I committed to monogamy.
However, we didn't have productive talks about my non mono proclitivities until about 1996. !!! I just always felt evil and sluttish when I got crushes on people, or more than crushes. (I never out and out cheated, but man, did I want to...)
And like your h and the taxi story, my ex would also get jealous over little incidents like that. Once I told him a story about a man going to China to pick up his newly adopted daughter, who was next to me on a plane. A human interest story, I thought. My (now ex) husband got all jealous just that I talked to him and that his story of the adoption touched my heart! Ridiculous things like that would happen regularly.
So, like you, I tried to hide my crushes to protect his feelings. But it didn't work. He was always looking for ways to be jealous, because of his low self esteem. He'd even deny ever being interested in another woman, just to "set a good example," even though it was a lie. This all came out in therapy eventually, but it did no good. We broke up in 2008. We tried polyamory before breaking up, and he found a woman (in 1999), and transferred most of his loving feelings to her. Mono to the core, I guess. She moved to be near him once he moved out of our marital home, and they are still together.
Bless your hearts, getting married with these obstacles to a happy union! Not even living together! You realizing you're not just polysexual, but polyamorous! You finding this man at work, and being with him every day while your new husband is so far away!
Best of luck with the difficult conversations over the holidays. I hope my experience can be a cautionary tale.
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley
Mags (poly, F, 61) loving miss pixi (poly, F, 39) since January 2009, living together since 2013
"Master," (mono, 34), miss pixi's Dom for 3 years