Originally Posted by Vexxed
I feel like having insecurity can disqualify a secondary partner, which is what I am. If I were her primary, I'd feel differently.
Well, by that standard, nobody can be a secondary. Like I said, everyone feels insecure sometimes. It's a natural and normal feeling. I feel like sometimes the poly community puts a lot of pressure on us to ignore/repress/forget about our natural human emotions, rather than confronting them and dealing with them on a daily basis. It is 100% okay to feel the way you feel.
Now...on to what to DO about how you feel...
Ask yourself where your insecurity is coming from.
Is it coming from her? Is she doing things and saying things that are causing you pain? If so, you need to talk to her about her actions and your emotional response to them. Things may be at am impasse if this is the case. She may be unwilling/unable to change her behavior, and you may be unwilling/unable to deal with how her behavior makes you feel. And there's nothing wrong with that.
Is it coming from inside yourself (this is the most likely)? Would you STILL be feeling insecure about yourself even if she wasn't in your life? Even if the pair of you were monogamous? From here, it gets more complicated, and I can't be as much of a guide, because I'm not a therapist, and I can only root out so much for you. If you believe your insecurity is coming from inside yourself, by all means, have a second talk with her, but don't expect her to be your therapist either. She is your lover, not your doctor, and you aren't with her to uncover the depths of your psyche.
You are with her because you love her, and she makes you happy. So, love her, and be happy.