Kevin: I'm not sure when we'll be living together again - maybe February. He's looking for a job in academia and they are hard to come by, but even if he doesn't find one he may move in with me to save money etc. This will come with its own issues - it's no fun sitting around at home looking for jobs and having your wife be the sole provider of a social life...
Most of our relationship has been long distance, so the dynamic of living together will be quite a change in itself.
Galagirl: thank you for making me think about those difficult questions. Here are some thoughts:
I am not able to express myself honestly because...
- I will feel guilty for making him upset
- I don't want to start an argument which may ruin the short time we have together in a weekend
- I am scared that he will ask me not to see D any more if he knew how deeply I felt about him
The second point will be fixed by us spending time together over Christmas. Although it's not ideal to have difficult conversations in the midst of family, I intend to have some anyway.
As I said, we had lots of conversations over the summer about open relationships, how we might make it work, what boundaries we might need to have, what his insecurities were, our fantasies of being with others, what I saw an ideal relationship as being like,... So I do feel that most of the difficult stuff is already out there. But, as you say, my own desires have changed from wanting to be polysexual to wanting to be polyamorous, which is quite a different ball game. We're going to have to talk about that again and see where we stand on it. (I think he will struggle very much with this.)
Thanks very much for those articles on jealousy. They are incredibly helpful and I hope I can get M to read them. (I previously showed him a copy of The Ethical Slut that a friend had lent me, and he was reluctant to read it. Said that the title put him off!)
Idealist: Thanks for your perspective on swinging. At the moment I think that I'd be more reluctant to try this than M! When people talk about swinging, do they generally mean:
- Having sex as a foursome
- Having sex individually with other people, but in the same room
- Having sex individually with other people, but maybe in different rooms in the same house?
I think the third option I could do, but I'd feel really awkward doing things together...
I have already pushed M to find other sexual partners, with the hope that he would realise sex with others could be fun and non-threatening to our relationship. He did meet with a few people and had sex with one, and though he told me about it I think he still felt uncomfortable. Hopefully once we live together, I can encourage him again, and being able to come home and talk to me about it afterwards will help him get over the mental hurdles.
Inyourendo: Thanks for telling your story. I hope you've found the life you've wanted since leaving your marriage.