Thread: A Dying Love!
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Old 12-14-2013, 10:03 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,211

I am sorry you struggle.

Suddenly she's reconsidering being poly. Claiming it's just too hard for her, she's got "things" on her plate and can't deal with it.
Reasonable. If she no longer wants more partners or any other partners at this time, that is on her.

I feel like it's a breach of contract because I'm poly through and through.
She's never supposed to change or change her mind? She can't decide to stop dating? How is this a breach? You do not explain.

To ask me to change who I am and go back to monogamy, when I've seen time and time that it doesn't work for me, isn't far!
To ask you where your willingness lies is totally fair. She is not a mind reader. She can't know if you have changed your mind or not. She must ask if she wants to know where you stand on something at this point in time.

You are free to answer how you wish:
  • No, I am not willing to close. My mind hasn't changed. I'm sorry. Thanks for asking.
  • Yes, I am willing to close to present partners only. No new people. Thanks for asking.
  • Yes, I am willing to close to just you. No other partners but you. Thanks for asking.

...rashly decides that she doesn't want to be poly anymore. Never asked me how that makes me feel or how I may feel lied to or hurt by it. Some say just leave cause deceived you, others say work it out and you'll be fine! I honestly just don't know what to do!
How ARE you feeling right now? What is hurting? How did she lie?

Right now both seem upset, so rather than try to solve it this second, I'd suggest you both take a time out to chill and collect yourselves. Then come to have serious conversation with cooler heads.

You could ask your partner to clarify WHAT she is asking you to consider here. I am not clear from your post.
  • CLOSED -- like you do whatever on your side, but on HER side she's done with extra partners/dating?
  • CLOSED -- like no new dating for EITHER of you, just existing partners?
  • CLOSED -- like no new dating for either and no new extra partners at all for either -- just you two? <-- this seems to be the one that upsets you. Is she indeed, asking this one?

And for how long? Through a career change? A pregnancy? A death in the family? Something else?

Maybe some of those sound doable to you. Some just don't. But there's different kinds of CLOSED. Could get calm, then ask for clarification.

If she is asking if you are willing to participate in a new relationship model? All you have do to is consider it. Decide. And if not for you? Could say "No thank you."

You are also free to ASK things yourself. Are there things about the old model that could be changed so she's more willing/able to continue with it?
  • What blocks her willingness to participate in polyship with you?
  • What blocks her ability to participate in polyship with you?
  • Is she worried about joint finances if you take a new dating partner that lives across the nation? The expenses that would entail?
  • Something else?

If talking it through doesn't arrive at better understanding of each other or new agreements and it is basically "limit reached?" Then could move on to talking about how you want to break up. (Nobody can force anyone to participate in something they don't want. She can't be forced to polyship and you cannot be force to monoship. )
  • Good break up, good exes and walk away?
  • Good break up, good exes, and still interact as friends?
  • Something else?

Painful, disappointing, hard to feel... maybe yes.

What to do about it? Pretty straight forward -- could talk and sort it out.

But right now to me it sounds like taking a time out FIRST to gather your emotions together and gather your thoughts and talking points together could be helpful to you.

Hang in there!

Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-15-2013 at 05:58 AM.
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