Whew. You're smart and perceptive, but you're really into a complicated emotional situation.
If I understand correctly, you're hoping to build a poly marriage in which both you and your wife can be secure and have outside relationships.
I suspect strong confidence in yourself as a man and husband is essential, and also strong confidence that your wife is completely committed to your relationship as her first priority.
It's good that you feel her happiness from the new relationship energy. But jealousy might be a sign that you are uneasy about it underneath. And the combative, competitive stuff is probably difficult to reconcile with poly? The poly husband I know is very smart, very competent and accomplished, but also extremely gentle and generous. He's the only model I have for a poly husband, and as he and his wife are strikingly successful at stability and happiness I tend to think they've found a viable attitude and outlook.
Might a strong and seasoned sense of mutual confidence be hard to achieve in a relatively new marriage? If so....
- How do you manage your primary relationship in order to make both of you feel, at the basic human emotional level, that your love for each other is indestructible?
- How do you each establish with your outside partners that they are never to imagine that they could move in on the marriage and break it up?
- How do you structure your time and responsibilities in a conscious, aware way to make the situation viable long-term?
- What can you do, personally, to strengthen your ability to cope psychologically with the inevitable ups and downs of changing secondary relationships, and with the consequent tidal pull on your primary relationship?
I dunno any of the answers, incidentally. But you might find them. I think you're really starting out at a smart, conscious level already.
Edit: You wrote, "I really want to feel like I'm the primary right now." I think, personally, that as the husband you can reasonably expect to be the primary all the time. Again, the model I know of is explicitly and completely based on an unshakable primary relationship. In a sense, us outside partners are in a position in which it's in our best interest to contribute to the strength of the primary relationship: I date L and adore her, but without D's support she would not be a woman with whom I could expect to have an ongoing relationship. (For instance, our lifestyle needs are very different...) So: you ARE the primary, bud. IMHO, you don't have to expect to give that up.