I am glad you talked and are finally having the hard conversations. But I think you could keep going.
She said she needs to be involved if I want to do anything with a guy
What does that solve for her?
That is not a NEED to me. That is a want.
"I want to be involved if you do anything with a guy. That solves my need to ______?"
Using need inventory
kinds of words.... what would she fill the blank with?
Because the guy? Doesn't he have the right to choose what he will and will not participate in? Yup.
Don't YOU have the right to choose what you will and will not particpate in? Yup.
Just like she has the right to choose what she will and will not participate in.
If this is poking you now? And you do not wish to grant this request? You could respectfully decline. Right NOW, not later. Something like...
"No, thank you. I will not participate in group sex with you. What need does this solve? If you could explain, perhaps I could meet your need in a different way."
It's just like well how long do I be respectfully patient?
Only you know your personal limit of tolerance. I know you have a BF in the picture already but maybe this article
helps? Or talking about poly hell?
Is she fearful that she cannot "compete?" Or worried about losing time with you if you are off spending it with others? Something else? Can she better articulate?
I feel like a jerk for wanting what I want but at the same time it feels natural and I definitely don't want to hurt anyone. Sooooo endlessly confusing
I don't see how trying to make a thing fly that will not fly is sparing anyone hurt.
Some choices in life are "win or lose" and other choices are more like "Both choices stink. So which stinks less
?" Only you can assess that in your situation. Not every dating partner is destined to go long haul. If this one has reached limit, it's at limit.
Keep talking and sort yourselves out. Including how you want to break up, if after trying again it still isn't a runner.