Hi GalaGirl -- thank you for your supportive words and helpful questions.
I know that I am protecting myself as much as I feel I'm protecting my husband when I keep my feelings from him. I don't like feeling that I have hurt him or feeling that I have contributed to his feelings of insecurity. At the same time I do, deep down, understand that I'm going to have to be more open if I am to fully gain his trust.
Our conversations over the summer felt very up and down and emotional, and it drained us both. There'd be times when we'd talk for hours, cry our hearts out and both feel like we'd made progress in understanding each other. Then we'd be apart for a couple of weeks and he'd start bringing up the same old questions once again and I would feel frustrated at having to give the same answers.
I told him of how I had fallen for someone about a year ago. To me it was a positive story, of how I could love someone else and yet not lose the love I had for M. But to M it seemed to fuel his insecurity that he was not enough for me. And then recently (in October) I told M I had fallen for D, who I now work with. I was up-front with this from the beginning, but M told me that it hurt him very deeply and he was struggling to cope with his feelings. So now, I try not to talk about the time I spend with D because I don't want M to feel upset about it and work himself up over it. At the same time, it's making me more and more miserable that I can't express my emotions to the person who is supposed to be closest to me.
Is it not being cruel, to speak openly about someone I love, who I see almost every day at work and can share little moments with, to a long-distance partner who would love to have those moments with me but cannot? Holding things back is my way of protecting M from feeling pain.
Last week I was in Copenhagen and shared a taxi from the airport with another stranded passenger. We got along well and he ended up inviting me to his hotel room. I declined, but enjoyed the attention and found the situation amusing. When I told M about it, the conversation turned very awkward in a way I hadn't expected - he felt threatened by this man even though I had turned down the offer. How could I possibly admit that, in an ideal world, I would have quite liked to accept the offer? Wouldn't being honest like this make M feel even more insecure?
I would love to hear any thoughts you have about whether I should be trying to be honest more often, even when I feel it would be hurtful. It is hard to know whether it might make things work out better for the long term or not.