"We accept the love we think we deserve." (The Perks of Being a Wallflower)
Why was I so willing to accept love when it as selfish? When I was rarely allowed to actually feel any benefit from it?
Or maybe the real question is... Why do I still miss it? Why do I still cry at random, when I thought I was done with that a few days ago? Why does my heart leap to my throat whenever my phone goes off because I think it might be him saying he misses me, too? Why do I still want to check in to make sure he's okay, that he's happy, that he's moving on when really the last thing I want to think about is him forgetting me?
I know not being with D is better for me in the long run. It still hurts so damn much, though. The first time since high school that I have fallen in love with someone who fell in love with me, too, and it apparently wasn't meant to be. I hate feeling like this. Weak. Vulnerable. Rejected.
I ended up going on two first dates this week. One with a guy that seems extremely interested but isn't someone I am particularly interested in. The other with a guy who I could actually see myself with. Which sucks, because I am nowhere near ready to actually be with someone. He gets that, though, and we've agreed to limit our physical relationship and be more friendly instead of relationshippy. Whenever I've returned to baseline, we can re-evaluate to see what we are interested in.
I'm a mess, and I'm not entirely how to shake it off. I'm hoping that just giving it time will work.
H and I have a fantastic weekend planned. Hopefully that will keep me distracted enough that I will go a few days without crying again.