Thread: Not Dead Yet!
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Old 12-13-2013, 05:53 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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I don't want responses on this one. If you must say something, pm me.

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Whip has decided he is not going to bottom anymore in public. Not with me, not with anyone. Both of us are switches although he puts 'top' in the description box on Fetlife. He's encountered being demeaned, being treated less than respectfully and he feels it's due to the prejudice against men who bottom or sub in the scene. And he's not wrong. Men who are also subs are seen by too many people as not masculine enough. Men who receive are seen as lesser, as are subs in general. He's had women dismiss him as a top once they learn he sometimes bottoms. It's happened a lot in every scene he's been a part of. And I do feel it is an endemic problem in BDSM as a whole. But he's tired of it. And so he's not bottoming in public anymore.

And I as so fucking pissed about this. I'm incredibly angry at the people who treated him like this. I'm angry at him for being not realizing this is not about him. It's their own issues. I'm angry at him for punishing me for what other people have done. It's not my fucking fault. I'm angry at him for not standing up for himself more often. I'm angry at him for not realizing that hiding does jack shit. It won't fix anything. I'm angry at myself for not being more openly supportive. I'm angry at myself for not realizing when this was happening to him and stopping it. I wish he had said something. I hope he will say something from now on. I've encouraged him to do so. I will be sure to say something.

I don't have another partner right now. I don't have anyone else that I can top in public. I'm working towards meeting people and eventually I suppose I will find someone. But it's been a year long dry spell. Partly that's been because I've been happy and have not felt the need to really look. But also I just haven't met anyone that clicks for me as a play partner, much less a romantic/sexual partner. And I want both - my BDSM is very sexual. That's not true for everyone but it is for me. I don't think I can have solely a vanilla sexual relationship right now. Nothing wrong with that but I would miss the kink aspect.

So I have no one to top with besides Whip. He's willing to bottom in private, which has been about 95% of our sessions. I don't need to play in public all the time. I'm happy with it being more unusual rather than an everyday thing. But I do want to play in public sometimes, and I want to top in public sometimes. I'm not one of those attractive, popular people who has offers from everyone to play. I have to show skills in order to play - no one cares otherwise. If I can't show what I know, and learn more, I will never develop as a top. I will stuck at where I'm at. I won't grow just topping in private. I need to challenge myself and part of that is scening in public. I just started to work on developing as a top. And I haven't topped him in public much at all. It's been twice. That's it. I've bottomed in public with him more than that. I bottomed for a while while I was introducing myself to the scene and getting my feet wet. But I've been around enough that this is something I want to learn to do well.

And I love scening with Whip. We have great chemistry. I loved bottoming and I loved topping, both privately and at play parties. I want to play with him in public. That's a big deal for me. He's my partner and I want to play with my partner, in public. And sometimes I want to top my partner in public.

Now, I just don't want to bottom for him.Anywhere. It's childish and from a place of rage and hurt and I know I am just triggered all over the place. But I don't care right now. If I can't top him in public, then I'm not interested in topping him in private. I'm not interested in being a bottom for him in public and I'm not interested in doing so at home either. I am too angry to feel sexual with him at all. He has other people who will bottom. He doesn't need me. I know he won't be inconvenienced. His other partners are subs. He does not switch with them so this change won't affect them.

But it really affects me. A big part of our relationship from my perspective is that we are both exploring BDSM. And we both switch. I treasure that dynamic because it is hard to find. I need someone who can tolerate the fact that I *cannot* stay in one role. I cannot. I am by nature fluid. My sexuality is fluid, my relationship is open, and my kink flows from one pole to the next and everywhere in between. Whip didn't just tolerate that - he encouraged it and seemed to understand it. But this feels like that door in our relationship is closing. And I know that just because it feels this way does not mean it actually is. It hurts though. A lot.

I do not do well with feeling trapped. It causes me to rage and to fight and to struggle. I have all kinds of triggers about feeling trapped. And I am feeling trapped now. Hence the rage and anger targeting everyone. Because I do not have other partners I can't develop as a top. Which feels like I am stuck. I do not want to bottom or top in private right now because I AM TOO FUCKING PISSED. I don't see a way out right now. I know that is not true. I know I am being super triggered and need to figure out why. BUT I AM TRAPPED BY SOMEONE ELSE'S STUPID WEAK DECISION AND I FUCKING HATE IT.

I hate that I think Whip is being weak on this. Who would want to be demeaned and dismissed? Being dismissed is one of the things that can cause instant rage in me. I understand not wanting that experience. I am trying to be empathetic here and utterly failing because I feel trapped, and am raging and cannot find a WAY OUT.

I am too dependent on Whip. I was thinking about going all in and really putting myself out there and investing in the relationship. But now I feel myself withdrawing. I don't want to put in the energy now. I don't know how to figure out which needs this relationship will fill and then go find someone else for those other needs. I don't know how to parcel out my needs like that. I do want to play with others. But mostly I want to play with Whip. In public. Topping him sometimes. People keep jumping to the idea that finding me other play partners will solve things. It won't. He offered to find me a male sub. Which was nice but not the point. The point is that I fear our connection, one of the things that make us, us, is weakening and will fail. If we don't switch together, if we don't continue exploring together, then a major part of our relationship is dying. I don't know if we will survive that. I don't know if we have enough in common, enough invested, to continue growing as a couple. I don't trust he will be there for me if we don't have things in common. Finding other partners is not the point. I will continue to go out and meet people. But I don't want a replacement Whip. I want Whip.
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