Thread: Not Dead Yet!
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Old 12-13-2013, 04:58 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: US
Posts: 2,031

Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
It is perfectly okay to want to be first in someone's life, but I wonder - what would you say to someone who was putting their partner first before their own needs for a career, stability, a sense of feeling useful in the world at large, financial security, etc.? Would you encourage that or talk to them about being there for themselves first?

I think wanting to be of central importance to a loved one is probably an urge we have that comes from a very young version of ourselves. And it's good to have the self-awareness to realize this is something you want - but I am not sure it is something to ask for or try to strategize to move toward. I think the more you invest in yourself and your relationship with him, it will reverberate and he will invest more in himself and his relationship to you - but that doesn't mean it will look anything like how you picture "being first" in someone's life. You might discover that he does consider you as a first or top priority in his life, but how he manifests or expresses that might be totally different than what you would expect it to be. So, rather than saying "I want you to put me first," which is rather nebulous, ask yourself what that means, exactly. Specifically, how would he behave and what would he say to show you that you are first? What would change? What expectations would you have? Maybe if you tumble those questions around in your head and figure out, in specifics, what would give you this feeling of being first, you can find ask for those things rather than a blanket "me first" request.

Does that all make sense?
@NYCindie, yes it does. I would not want anyone to be lesser for me. I am encouraging him to follow what he wants to do, and I will continue to do so. I'm not going to make a blanket 'me first, us first' statement. He wouldn't know what I meant. It is fuzzy, very true. I will think about the questions. I think they are good ones.

@bofish, I'm not in menopause. Hopefully that's a decade or so away. I wonder if I am at the start of perimenopause but that's not been confirmed. I actually don't know if they can confirm that.

That's amazing you are at the end of menopause already. I know that happens for some women. Has it caused any health issues for you? I hope not.
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